


Patton's Guide to Making Friends With Demons for Fun and Profit

by quantumducky



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Kidnapping, M/M, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-07 02:03:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20301628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumducky/pseuds/quantumducky
Summary: Patton Kirby, angel, has just been given a new job to do, and it's... a little unusual. He's meant to disguise himself as a human on Earth in order to get close to Dion Mallory, demon, and convince him to give up his evil ways. Obviously, such a thing has never been done before- he sort of thought it was impossible up until now- but if it can be done, he's eager to make a new friend!Unknown to him, Dion has just gotten a new job, too. The same job, in fact, only in reverse. He's not all that worried by the fact it's never been done before; if anyone can get an angel to defect, it's him. The trouble comes when he catches himself feeling things other than distaste for his target...This is my submission for the 2019 Storytime! Big Bang- in other words, I've been working on it for months and I am THRILLED to finally be sharing it with y'all. Hope you enjoy!





	1. Assignments

Patton Kirby, normal human, was having a normal day off at home. At the moment, he was vacuuming his living room, and later he would go outside and water the plants around his house. These plans were interrupted, however, when a light came down through the ceiling and took the shape of a man with a few too many eyes and several wings. Patton turned off the vacuum, made sure the curtains were closed and ran over to greet his friend.

Okay, maybe that “normal human” thing wasn’t _ quite _ true.

“Roman! What’s up?” Patton let his disguise slip a little, revealing an angelic form which would hurt the eyes and brain of any _ actual _ normal human who happened to see it, but which felt much more comfortable to him. “Were ya just too impatient to wait a few more days to see me again? You know I’m almost done with this assignment!”

“Well, that’s the thing.” Roman rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re not coming home just yet; there’s another job for you.”

Patton was briefly disappointed, but reminded himself that another job meant another chance to help people, and so was happy again almost before he registered the sadness. “What is it?”

“It’s… honestly, it’s rather strange. I’ve never heard of anything like it.” Roman summoned a glowing scroll and handed it to him to read. “There’s a demon in the human world at the moment as well- here for some ghastly purpose, I’m sure- and someone Upstairs believes he’s faltering in his… demonosity, or whatever the word for that is, and wants you to try redeeming him.” When Patton didn’t immediately respond, he went on, “I know, it sounds ridiculous! A _ demon _ becoming good? But they sounded certain, and if anyone can do it, it’s you.” He looked off to the side, at something Patton couldn’t see, and sighed. “I’m sorry to cut this short, but I must be going. Good luck! Don’t forget to call while you’re down there.”

Aw… It was too bad they couldn’t talk longer, but Patton supposed his friend had important things to be doing, and he shouldn’t keep him. “Okay, bye! Love you!”

“And I, you,” Roman assured him with a flourishing half-bow, before the light shot back up into the sky and he disappeared.

Once he was gone, Patton opened the scroll and read. A fairly minor demon with a specialty in lies and manipulation, currently residing in the human world for reasons unknown (but probably evil) and going by the name Dion Mallory, was his target. Wait, no, that made it sound like Patton was going to assassinate him or something. Dion was… his future friend! Yes, that was lots better. 

The scroll listed his human identity’s address, occupation, and appearance, among other things. Oh, he’d chosen a place to stay near Patton’s house, that was good. He’d hate to have to move it. That sort of thing took a lot of paperwork, not to mention the strain it would put on his carefully maintained aura of “no, really, I’m perfectly normal.”

It was important that Dion didn’t figure out Patton was really an angel trying to convert him to the side of good. If he saw him as an ordinary human, Patton could (hopefully) befriend him and show him how much better it was to use his power for niceness. _ Then _ he could reveal himself and offer Dion the chance to switch sides, which at that point he would of course accept because he’d _ want _ to be good by then, and everything would work out perfectly! He’d have to be careful, of course, because demons were always tricking humans into doing bad things and he’d probably try it on him, but Patton was feeling optimistic about this mission already.

* * *

Dion Mallory, very much _ not _ a normal human even to the casual observer, finished redecorating his new apartment and looked around with satisfaction. Really, the previous owner of this place, as well as the antique shop downstairs, hadn’t known how to use the space properly at _ all. _ It was just as well he’d taken over.

Oh, he hadn’t killed them or anything; they were fine. Just teleported into the state of Oklahoma.

In any case, now that he’d taken care of his first and most important order of business- the aesthetic- he could start worrying about the reason he was here in the human world to begin with: the angel calling himself Patton Kirby. He’d been residing in this area for a while now, mingling with the humans and such, and (this was the important part) rather far away from the pure goodness of his home. Dion’s lower-downs figured that after all this time dealing with humans, Patton must be ripe for the corrupting, and he had been chosen for the job.

Which brought him here, cosplaying his humansona.

Patton couldn’t _ know _ he was a demon, obviously, or he wouldn’t even let him get a word in before banishing him back to Hell or something, and then he’d have to get a whole new identity and it would be so much extra _ work. _ No, he needed to be subtle here. If he presented himself as a human, Patton’s guard would be down- he _ loved _ the wretched things, apparently, even after spending so much time with them. Amazing. 

He’d need to keep his own guard up, because there was no doubt if Patton saw him as as disaffected human he’d try to _ help _ him or something, but he did at least have a way in. He just needed to make the angel realize how _ shit _people actually were- not worth helping, really, better to give up and let them destroy themselves- and it wouldn’t be too difficult at all. He would get started as soon as he had a way to plausibly make contact, and in the meantime, he might as well entertain himself by running his newly acquired business.


	2. Accidental Meetings Don't Just Happen Accidentally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step one: you can't make friends with someone you haven't met, now, can you?

Patton spent the rest of his evening deciding how to approach his mission. The next day, he _ just so happened _ to be taking a walk after lunch when he _ coincidentally _ wandered into Dion’s shop. It wasn’t far off from what he’d expected. The interior was dimly lit, making all the old dolls and things seem even more haunted than they already would have, but Patton wasn’t too bothered by that. It would have been pretty silly to get creeped out by the idea of ghosts when he was here to meet a demon.

“Can I help you?” said a low voice right behind him. Patton squeaked in surprise and turned around.

“Oh! Hello! I didn’t see you there.”

“I didn’t expect you to,” the man replied smoothly. “Dion Mallory, proprietor of this establishment.”

Patton blinked. “You own the shop?” he asked, as if he hadn’t come here specifically to find him.

“And everything in it. See anything you like?” He winked, and Patton wasn’t sure why.

“Oh, I don’t know, just looking around… I think it’s neat, being able to touch bits of people’s history.” He picked up a ring. “I wonder who this belonged to?”

“Someone who didn’t care about it enough to keep it, evidently,” Dion said dryly. “I’ve come to find there really is nothing a person isn’t willing to part with for enough money.”

Patton frowned. “Oh, I don’t know about that… maybe they just realize the physical object isn’t what’s important. I mean, it’s not healthy to get too attached to things, right?”

“Really? You think whoever’s great-grandmother made this quilt would agree with you, there?” He put the item in question down as soon as his point was made, because it had turned out to be incredibly dusty and a sudden sneezing fit would really mess up the vibe he had going. _ “Oh yes, I know I spent a hundred hours on that, but go ahead and sell it to a stranger for much less than it’s worth, that’s fine,” _ he snarked, imitating what he apparently thought the average old woman sounded like.

“Oh, but they must have really needed the money to sell something like that! Surely they’re not just getting rid of heirlooms for the fun of it. I like to think better of humanity than that.”

“In that case, I hope you’re prepared to be very disappointed. All the time. Forever, until you die.” He turned around suddenly, and changed the subject just as fast before Patton could think of another reply. “Are you interested in my antiques at all _ outside _ the context of starting an argument over them?” 

Yes, he was the one who’d deliberately said something he knew Patton would have to disagree with. No, he wasn’t actually all that impatient to get the angel out of his shop- not when he’d just been wondering how to approach him, and now he had the perfect excuse. But would any of that stop Dion from trying to make Patton give him money, despite the fact that he could literally have an unlimited supply of the stuff if he wanted? _ Hell _ no.

“Oh! Um…” Patton looked around a bit frantically. He guessed it did make sense that a disguised demon wouldn’t be the nicest to some idealistic human who’d wandered into his shop, even if, in reality, that wasn’t what Patton was. He didn’t want to annoy Dion too much, or he wouldn’t be as likely to want to talk to him again! He ended up grabbing something at random. “I do think this is really nice,” he said, right before realizing he was holding the creepiest ceramic baby he’d ever seen in his life- and he’d been alive for a _ really _ long time. Oh well, he was committed now. “It has… a certain charm?”

Dion raised an eyebrow at him. He had to admit to himself, he wouldn’t exactly be sad to see the thing go, and it would make an amusing image indeed if Patton actually went through with taking it home- based on what he imagined Patton’s home looked like, at least. Wouldn’t be surprising if he threw it in the nearest dumpster as soon as he got outside, though. In which case it still wouldn’t be his problem anymore, so really, win-win. (As a demon, he probably shouldn’t have been worrying about such things, but he was like eighty percent sure that baby was haunted.)

This explained why he refrained from questioning Patton on his choice of purchase, thereby denying him the opportunity to change his mind. He went through the transaction (all sales final) as quickly as possible, and the angel left, answering Dion’s slightly smug invitation to come back any time with an assurance that he would try.

Leaving the antique shop, Patton thought that had gone reasonably well. If nothing else, he’d gotten on Dion’s good side by buying something from him- something which, if Patton were honest, he was pretty sure never would have been bought by anyone else. And when they’d had their little back-and-forth, Dion had been the first one to change the subject, which had to mean Patton’s reasoning had been getting to him, right? All in all, not a bad first interaction!

When Patton was out of sight, Dion leaned on the counter and smiled to himself. It was not a smile that would inspire anyone to smile back- slowly back away, more like- but it was a way of expressing a positive feeling nonetheless. Not only had he clearly thrown Patton off balance, but more importantly, he’d gotten his attention. He knew enough about angels to know this one would _ have _ to come back and see him again; he wouldn’t be able to resist trying to cure his cynicism. Well… Dion would just _ love _ to see him try. Maybe he would even buy a few more overpriced, probably-cursed items from him, while he was at it.


	3. The Customer Is Usually Wrong, Actually

The next day, it was Patton’s turn to be pleasantly surprised. Apparently Dion was _ really _ immersing himself in the human experience, and the store he chose for his completely unnecessary grocery shopping just so happened to be the same one where Patton wor-… well, _ pretended _ to work. It wasn’t that he didn’t do anything- he was very helpful!- but he was not, technically speaking, employed there. He just showed up to work whenever he felt like it and made everyone forget that little detail, and places like this had enough employees that no one questioned an unfamiliar face.

Anyway- Patton worked here, or at least close enough as made no difference, and he was just thrilled when he saw Dion walk in! He had to restrain himself from running over to greet him, instead just walking up and asking, “Anything I can help you with today?”

Dion looked up at him with (well-feigned) surprise. “Oh, you again?”

“Yup! I work here! Isn’t that a coincidence!”

“It certainly is… well, as long as you’re here, why don’t you show me to the dairy aisle?”

“No problem!”

It only took Patton a few seconds to realize Dion was not, in fact, letting him take the lead, and seemed to know exactly where they were going. He tilted his head at him, confused, and Dion winked.

“I know exactly where it is, but no one _ else _ needs to know that. I’m sure I’m better company than a lot of the customers you deal with here. After this, you can show me to everything else I need to buy.”

Patton frowned. He _ did _ appreciate the opportunity to talk to Dion some more, but he also remembered very well that the other was a demon and probably just trying to convince him to skip out on work. “I don’t know, I ought to be helping people who genuinely need it…”

“Oh, I’m sure they’ll be fine, someone else can help them. And if not, well… don’t you think some of them _ deserve _ to be a little inconvenienced? Let them fend for themselves for a while, and maybe they’ll learn to be less entitled.”

“That’s not very nice.”

“You’re not denying it,” he noted with a smirk.

Patton sighed. He loved humans, he really did. But after being yelled at so many times for incredibly petty reasons, he was almost inclined to agree. “Just because a few people are jerks doesn’t mean _ I _ shouldn’t be nice. You never know, maybe I’ll set a better example for them!”

“Well, here we are.” Dion started picking out cheeses and turned away from Patton. “If you want to go back to letting people verbally abuse you, now’s your chance.”

Patton hesitated. He knew that, technically speaking, it was more important to do his real job and keep talking to Dion than it was to do his, for lack of a better term, fake job in this store. But what kind of message would it send if he gave in at the first suggestion of slacking off? Not a very righteous one, that was for sure!

“If you don’t need help with anything,” he said, “I’m going to get back to work now.” He walked away and pretended he didn’t notice that Dion quickly lost interest in grocery shopping in favor of trailing him around the store, waiting for another opportunity to present itself. It didn’t take very long.

Despite all Patton’s efforts, it apparently wasn’t possible to convince all the humans in his vicinity to be nice for a while by sheer force of will. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d gotten here, to be honest, but now he was being yelled at about stale bread, as if it were in any way _ his _ fault that the woman had left it sitting out overnight after buying it. Incidentally, it also wasn’t his fault that the store had a very reasonable policy of not allowing people to return half-eaten loaves of bread.

“Ma’am, calm down, please,” he tried.

She did not. “How dare you tell _ me _ to calm down, when _ you’re _ the one selling this _ disgusting _ bread! I bet it was weeks old already when I bought it! I have _ never _ seen-”

“Listen- if you just look here-” He didn’t like to interrupt, but it didn’t seem like she was ever going to stop for breath, and with his hearing being more sensitive than a human’s, he was starting to get a bad headache. Patton gestured a bit desperately to the words printed on the bread’s packaging, which indicated that it should be eaten within a day or two of when it was baked. Sometimes he missed the time before preservatives in food became the norm- at least then he didn’t spend so much time getting shouted at by people who couldn’t seem to understand that going stale was what bread _ did. _

The woman smacked the loaf out of his hands, quite effectively interrupting both his sentence and his train of thought. It was going to be one of those days, apparently. She took a breath to resume her rant- Patton was honestly a little afraid to interrupt her again, in case she gave him the same treatment as the bread- when Dion appeared, inserting himself smoothly between the two of them. Patton tried not to visibly hide behind him, but he was relieved, if a little nervous about what the demon was planning.

“Is there a problem here?”

_ “Yes, _ there’s a problem,” said the woman, rolling her eyes. “This incompetent _ idiot _ isn’t listening to me, and I-”

Dion cut her off before she could get going again. “Hmm, fascinating. I don’t care. Why don’t you just shut up and get out of his face?” He inspected his nails as she stared at him, shocked that anyone had talked to her like that.

“How _ dare _ you,” she repeated. “I’m- I’m going to…”

“What, report me? I don’t work here. The only thing you’re going to do is _ leave, _ or…” He leaned in and whispered something in her ear, which Patton couldn’t quite catch. She blanched and turned around, all but running out of the store with a stammered parting remark about never shopping there again.

“Good riddance,” Dion muttered, smirking after her. Then he turned to Patton, who realized he was staring in slight awe and did his best to stop. This was (technically) the enemy, after all, and he probably had some ulterior motive.

“I- you didn’t have to do that. I was… handling it.” It wasn’t a lie; he never said he was handling it _ well. _ He hadn’t cried or anything, which was practically a victory on its own. “Did you _ threaten _ her? What on earth did you say?”

He shrugged. “Whatever I thought would get her to leave. I don’t know how you can be nice to people like _ that.” _

This was safer ground. “We don’t know her,” he reminded Dion. “Maybe she’s usually nicer than that, but she’s having a really bad day right now…”

“And taking it out on you?” He scoffed. “You can’t let people talk to you like that just because they might be stressed, Patton. Try it my way once in a while, if you ever decide to stop being a doormat. It’s a _ lot _ more rewarding.”

Patton stiffened slightly. “I don’t think it’s _ rewarding _ to be a jerk to people, even if _ you _ feel like they deserve it. It’s not like I think it’s fine for her to yell at me, but I want to deal with it myself. Peacefully. If you do something like that again, I’m going to have to ask _ you _ to leave.” He was surprised by how cold he sounded, but the more he thought about it, he really didn’t like Dion being unkind on his behalf.

It seemed to surprise Dion, too. He blinked and deflated a little. “I won’t do it again, if you feel so strongly about it… I just felt bad that you weren’t standing up for yourself, although I suppose if you yelled back at every unpleasant customer you wouldn’t work here much longer,” he said wryly.

Oh, right. Patton sometimes forgot that being fired was a concern for people who couldn’t just decide to show up and start working somewhere on a whim.

“It’s okay. You were trying to help.” He didn’t want Dion thinking he was really angry with him- he might give up and stop talking to him. Maybe he should give him something to work with. “Um… is there anything else you quote-unquote _ need help finding? _ I don’t think anyone would mind if I started my break a little early…”

Dion smiled. “Of course. I’m _ terribly _ lost in here, you know, not the faintest idea where anything might be.” This last was with a gesture to the helpfully gigantic signs marking the location of each section of the store, and Patton couldn’t help a laugh.

As the two made their way around the store, the conversation grew less strained and awkward, now that Dion was satisfied with having convinced him to avoid doing his supposed job at least a _ little _ bit.

“I didn’t think to ask you yesterday, what are you planning to do with that little statue you bought from me yesterday? Is it a gift? The latest addition to a weird ceramic-baby collection? I always wonder what people _ want _ these things for.”

“Oh, you know…” Casting about for a reason he could have possibly wanted that thing, Patton ended up with a pretty good idea entirely by accident. “I do sort of collect antiques, actually. Nothing big, but I’ve got a shelf or two full.” This was true. Patton had made a good few visits to the human world throughout the centuries, and liked to keep souvenirs.

“Is that so? Tell me, what kind of things do you have?”

“Oh… sort of a variety, all different time periods. Some of it is pretty cool, actually- you could come over and have a look sometime, if you’d like?” He hoped it wasn’t too weird for humans to invite someone over to their house when they’d only met yesterday. “I’ve really been enjoying your company, even if I did sort of get mad at you earlier… I’d like to spend more time with you when I’m _ not _ supposed to be working.”

Dion smiled a little off-puttingly, and winked at him for the second time that day. “I think I _ would _ like that.”

Hmm. From what Patton knew of human social behavior, he may have just given the wrong impression and made Dion think he was flirting with him. Hopefully he wouldn’t try to… seduce him to the dark side or something. Ah well, he could deal with that terribly awkward situation if and when it came up. For now, they had schedules to discuss and plans to make. By the time Dion finished his shopping, he’d agreed to visit Patton at home that weekend, and he didn’t seem to suspect a thing.

Dion left the store amazed at how well that had gone. He not only now knew Patton’s address- or at least, could now _ admit _ he knew Patton’s address without seeming completely creepy- he’d been _ invited over for lunch. _ He shouldn’t have been surprised that the angel was absurdly friendly to strangers, but still. He hadn’t expected Patton to make his job _ this _ easy.


	4. Virgil

Patton stayed a little later at work that day than he was strictly _ supposed _ to, feeling he should make up for the time he’d spent talking to Dion. Once he got home, he had no time to do anything else but go to bed, the fact he didn’t technically need to sleep notwithstanding. The next morning, however, he realized how much free time he had between now and his meeting with Dion on Saturday, and decided it would be a good opportunity to visit some friends.

…Okay, one friend, and a couple of other people he was sure _ would _ be his friends once he actually… you know, met them. The thing was, Patton’s best friend Virgil had been stationed in the human world as a guardian angel for years, and yet _ somehow _ Patton hadn’t ever gotten to meet the human he was guarding! Guardians only went to humans who were meant to do something really important at some point- you know, to make sure they didn’t accidentally die before it could happen; humans tended to be awfully fragile- so Patton knew this Thomas Sanders had to be something special, and yet Virgil kept deflecting whenever he asked about him. _ Well _ , Patton thought, _ the mystery has gone on long enough. _ This time, instead of just calling Virgil, he could show up in person and say hi!

Fortunately, Virgil _ had _ told him at some point where he, Thomas, and their other housemate lived. Most likely because he didn’t expect Patton to ever have enough free time in the human world to _ use _ that information, and also probably expected him to forget it. But Patton wrote it down, so _ ha. _ He showed up at their front door early in the afternoon bearing a gift basket of cookies and other sweets, which would hopefully keep Virgil from getting mad at him.

The door was opened by a young human man, who gave him a confused once-over and said, “…Hi?”

Patton beamed at him. “Hi! Is Virgil here?”

“Uh… yeah, he’s… let me get him for you?” It seemed like it might take a while for all his statements to stop coming out as questions. He walked away and came back after a minute or so, followed by Virgil.

Virgil froze when he saw Patton. “What are you-”

“Virgil!!!” Patton practically tackled him in a hug. The gift basket would’ve gone everywhere if not for Virgil’s quick reflexes. “I missed you so much!”

“…Yeah, I missed you too, Pat.” Virgil hugged him back awkwardly with one arm. _ “Why are you here? _ In my house? Where I live?”

“Well, you know, I’m in the area now, so I thought it would be nice to drop in and surprise you! Are you gonna introduce me to your housemates?”

Behind Virgil, said housemates gave each other a confused look. “So… I take it you know each other?” one of them said.

Patton peeked over Virgil’s shoulder at them. “Yeah! Virge here’s my best friend!”

“Virgil has friends?”

The one who’d spoken first swatted the other’s shoulder. “Be nice, Rem.” Ah, the man who’d opened the door must have been Thomas, then.

Virgil turned around, which proved to be difficult, as Patton hadn’t let go of him yet. “Yeah, it’s just that he lives far away and we haven’t seen each other in person in a while, so I _ really _ didn’t expect him to show up here with no warning.” He shot Patton a look, then sighed. “This is Thomas, and the one who doesn’t like me is Remy. Guys, this is my friend Patton.”

“I never said I didn’t like you!”

“No, you’ve just implied it with literally all of your actions and words since I moved in.”

“…Okay, you’re not letting me make a very good first impression on your friend, babe.”

“Sounds like a you problem. C’mon, Patton, we can talk in my room.”

“Okay!” Patton followed him, waving to Thomas and Remy as he was pulled away.

The moment Virgil’s door closed with a quiet _ thud _ , he turned to Patton and gestured frantically in the direction of everything. “No but seriously, _ what are you doing here?! _ I thought you were supposed to be back home right now!”

“I got another assignment! And I have a couple of days free right now, so I thought I would come visit my _ best friend! _ …And maybe I also wanted to finally meet your human.”

“First of all, he’s not _ my human, _ it sounds super weird when you phrase it like that. And it’s not that I’m not happy to see you, just- Remy already thinks I’m weird; he’s gonna have a field day with you showing up out of nowhere. Not that I really helped my own case back there, but still. I don’t want to risk anything jeopardizing my ability to stay close to Thomas, and if he gets too suspicious he could, I don’t know, kick me out or something. Just… if you’re going to do this again, at least call me first.”

“Yeah, okay… I guess I should’ve thought about that. Sorry.” As Patton’s excitement over seeing Virgil mellowed out, he started to look sheepish.

“Eh, s’fine. What’s your new assignment, by the way? How long will you be around?”

He perked up again. “Oh, it’s really exciting, let me tell you about it! So, there’s this demon…”

* * *

It occurred to Patton, before he got very far into his explanation, that Virgil might not particularly _ approve _ of what he was currently doing.

“Let me get this straight. Not only are you talking to him in the first place- I know it’s your assignment, I still think it’s a bad idea- but you _ told him where you live? _ And invited him over for _ lunch?” _

“…That about covers it,” Patton agreed meekly. “Virge, I get that you’re worried, but how else am I supposed to get close to him? Just trust me. I’m not going to let him do anything.”

Virgil still didn’t look happy about it, but subsided. “Fine.”

“Besides, I don’t think he’s all that bad! Well, he doesn’t seem to like people too much, but he hasn’t been _ mean _ to me or anything…”

Patton launched into another rambling story, this time trying to convince Virgil he wasn’t on a completely hopeless mission. The more cautious of the two wasn’t exactly buying it, but he didn’t mind sitting there listening to Patton talk whether he agreed with what he was saying or not. He really had missed him all this time.

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of the house, Remy dragged Thomas into _ his _ room while ranting to him in a whisper. “I’m telling you, something is up with them!”

Thomas rubbed his temples and sighed.

“Don’t sigh at me, gurl, I’m supposed to be the sassy one here and _ more importantly, _ I’m _ right!” _

“Just because you don’t get along with Virgil doesn’t mean he’s up to something shady.”

“And just because _ you’re _ friends with him doesn’t mean he’s innocent,” Remy shot back. “This mysterious friend of his just proves my point even further.”

“Patton? I dunno, he seems really nice to me. He gave us cookies.”

_ “Exactly!” _ He nodded sagely, sunglasses beginning to drop lower on his face. “It’s always the nice ones you gotta watch out for. He’s definitely hiding something. Like, I know _ I _ show up to visit people out of nowhere with no warning, but that doesn’t make it normal, hon. You saw how Virgil reacted! Like he didn’t _ want _ him to be here. Does that sound like a normal reaction to the sudden appearance of his best friend to you? And then there’s the fact that he’s never even _ mentioned _ having _ any _ friends before, almost like he doesn’t want us to know who he hangs out with. And he never lets us in his room, so who _ knows _ what he’s hiding in _ there. _ And- remember when you had to go to that really shady part of town, and Virgil insisted on going with you, and then nobody so much as looked at you the whole time? _ It’s because all the criminals are afraid of him! _ I’m telling you, our housemate is some kind of mafia boss or something!”

“I mean- I guess that’s- _ Rem…” _ Thomas made a vague gesture of “stop that,” with accompanying facial expression, and Remy relented.

“Y’know what, I’ll give you some time to think about it. I’m going out. Be back soon, maybe, if I feel like it.” He held up a peace sign and left.


	5. Lunch Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step two: invite him to hang out!

Dion had memorized Patton’s address as soon as he was given his mission, but he was pretty sure that even without that information, he would’ve known his house when he saw it. It was so sickeningly _ cheerful. _ Painted in all different pastel colors, flowers everywhere flowers could conceivably exist… honestly, it looked like it should’ve belonged to the Easter bunny. It took a lot of self-control to avoid looking disgusted as he walked up and rang the doorbell.

Patton opened the door almost immediately, smiling from ear to ear. “You’re here! Come on in- sorry, I’m not quite done making lunch for us, but it should only take a few minutes, if you want to go ahead and sit down…” He led his guest to the living room, where he could have his pick of overstuffed armchairs, and then ran back into the kitchen. Dion followed him. When he caught up, he found Patton hurriedly draining pasta.

“You didn’t have to do this much,” he pointed out. “I wasn’t expecting anything fancier than sandwiches.” The first habit he really needed to break Patton of was this constant sucking up to humans (and supposed humans) who couldn’t care less. What did he think he was going to accomplish, anyway? Surely all it ever got him was taken advantage of- just look at what had happened in the store.

“Aw, I wanted to! I like doing nice things for my friends. Carry this to the table for me, please?”

He… already considered them _ friends? _ Seriously?

Dion, who’d had absolutely no intention of helping, was setting the bowl Patton pressed into his hands down on the daisy-patterned tablecloth before he even realized he was listening. He blinked at it a few times.

Patton swept into the room before he could become too confused and finished laying everything out. He even pulled Dion’s chair out for him. Ugh.

The two sat across from each other, Patton visibly kicking his feet under the table. “How have you been since the last time I saw you?”

“Since… two days ago?” Dion raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah!”

He wasn’t sure if Patton had missed his implication that the question was stupid, or simply chose not to acknowledge it. Either way, it was frustrating. He gave up and answered with minimal sarcasm. “The same as ever, I suppose. Nothing to speak of.”

“Well, at least that means nothing bad has happened, right?” He waited for Dion’s noncommittal shrug of acknowledgement before going on. “I went and visited some friends the other day, myself.”

“Now, are these actual friends, or did you meet _ them _ less than a week ago too?”

“No! I’ve known them for _ forever! _ …Well, one of them I have. The others I hadn’t actually met until I went and visited, they’re his housemates. But still.”

“…Uh-huh.” Dion remembered he actually gave zero fucks about Patton’s human friends, and had no desire to hear the rant Patton was surely about to go on about how great they were. “What about your little… collection of things you were wanting me to look at?”

“Oh, right! That! We should finish eating first, of course, but I’m really excited to show you! It’s not _ much, _ you know, just a few things I’ve gotten from my family or picked up here and there, but I’m pretty proud of it.”

“Really?” He smiled, predatory, and leaned forward. “You know, you might have some valuable things there without realizing it. I could appraise them for you, if you’d like.”

Patton smiled back. He was so infuriatingly immune to Dion’s attempts to make him uneasy, although he really shouldn’t have expected any different from one of his kind. “Aw, that’s nice of you to offer! I’m not interested in selling anything, though, so it doesn’t really matter to me how much it would be worth. But you can if you want to!” he added hurriedly. “I don’t want to disappoint you if you really wanted to do that!”

Dion muttered under his breath something like “curses.”

“What was that?”

Oops. “I said, uh, this… is… really good?”

“Thank you!” Patton beamed.

Well… at least he was flattered, Dion told himself. That was… something? He was beginning to feel like meeting with Patton in the angel’s own home had been a terrible mistake. Maybe, until they were done with lunch, he should just keep quiet. If he was suffering through Patton’s rambling, he at least couldn’t embarrass himself.

* * *

Patton wasn’t sure if this was going well at all. Dion wasn’t responding to anything he said anymore beyond a vague hum- what was he thinking? What if he decided he didn’t like Patton after this, and he didn’t want to talk to him anymore? It would be impossible to complete his mission then; he couldn’t win Dion over if he wouldn’t even speak to him! He tried not to let the conversation die out and make things even more awkward, but it wasn’t easy when he was the only one actually talking. As soon as they finished eating, he jumped up, not bothering to clear the table in his eagerness to make the uncomfortable silence stop.

“Okay, let’s go! The cabinet for that stuff is upstairs in my room.” He grabbed Dion’s hand to lead the way there, only to immediately let go when the other stiffened. “Uh- sorry about that, got excited. Anyway! Upstairs!”

* * *

Dion followed his host upstairs, resisting the temptation to cradle his hand as if it had been burned. That was certainly what it _ felt _ like. But he couldn’t let on why he’d reacted like that, because your typical human wouldn’t be in pain just because an angel had unexpectedly grabbed them. If he was lucky, Patton would just think he was one of those people who didn’t like contact. It didn’t seem like he’d felt anything himself, at least, or he wouldn’t still be treating Dion as his new human friend.

Following Patton upstairs, he looked around- up until now, he’d been too focused on his goal to really take in the interior of the house. It was even worse than the outside, if that was possible. Every item of furniture was upholstered in a different terrible pattern, and every wall was painted a different awful mistake of a bright color. He couldn’t find a single piece of decor that matched anything else. Clearly, the angel hadn’t bothered to do any research into interior decoration before attempting it, or else he simply didn’t care.

The bedroom, when they reached it, was something else entirely, and not for the better. With the amount of stuffed animals Patton kept on his bed, Dion had to wonder if he even slept on it, or if it was just there for show. (Not that he could say anything; he didn’t sleep half the time, himself. It was so easy to forget when one wasn’t used to it, and neither of them really needed to.) The walls looked like a small human child had not only picked out the color scheme, but contributed to the painting as well. Dion would have called it abstract if he’d had any faith that it was on purpose.

“Did you, ah, paint this room yourself?”

“Yeah!” Patton grinned. “Do you like it?”

He coughed. “It’s… certainly something.”

“Thanks!” Without seeming to even realize that wasn’t a compliment, Patton went further into the room and beckoned him over.

Dion sighed quietly and followed him over, then stopped- he played up his shock to better imitate a human who thought he was talking to another human, but he really was surprised. “This is… where did you _ get _ these?” Did Patton really think he could get away with having a bunch of _ incredibly valuable artifacts _ on his shelves, and showing them off to humans like it was nothing?

Patton laughed. “Well, I got that one from _ you, _ obviously!”

“You _ know _ I didn’t mean _ that.” _ He gave the offending curio a displeased look. He could practically feel its soulless gaze on him.

“Well, some of it I got from people I met, some of it I just picked up here and there… I like to travel when I can, you know. What’s so exciting about it?” He tilted his head. Dion found the show of innocence very irritating. As if Patton didn’t know full well he’d ‘picked up’ at least one of these things during the medieval era.

“Would you like me to tell you what even just _ one _ of these things would be worth?” Money didn’t mean anything to Patton, he knew, but he needed to at least _ try _ something while he was here.

“Oh, that’s all right, I think it’s better not to know if it’s going to be such a big deal.” Patton laughed nervously. “It’d be weird… y’know, I’d feel like I had to do something with them then.” Dion really had to wonder how on earth he’d expected to get away with this many incredibly valuable items without raising a lot of questions, but decided to spare him the interrogation for now. Maybe he just hadn’t done his research well enough to realize what sort of thing was and was not usual for an antique collector to own.

He sighed. “If you really insist, I’ll let you continue in your blissful ignorance. Is there anything you _ do _ want to say about them, or did you ask me over to see them just so you could act mysterious?”

Patton flushed slightly. “Yes! Sorry. I’m just a little uncomfortable with talk about money… but here, let me tell you about how I got this one!”

He launched into a story about some human he’d met somewhere and- of course, what else- befriended, who eventually gave him something worth a great deal of money as a reminder of their friendship, which was why he could obviously never part with it because of all the memories and such. To hear him tell it, _ all _ the things on his shelves had equally sweet origin stories. Dion partly listened as he explained them, and mostly tried to figure out how much of those explanations were true, if any- surely Patton didn’t really expect him to believe all those things happened to him, right? Especially when he was supposedly human, with a corresponding lifespan. It always amazed Dion how bad angels were at blending in. It was almost _ lucky _ for Patton that he was unknowingly talking to a demon.

He’d been talking for about ten minutes by the time Dion realized they were going to be there for a while and sat down on the bed, trying not to disturb anything. Patton joined him, evidently pleased he was making himself comfortable, and only got up to pick up different items to talk about. It was clear after only a couple of his anecdotes that there was very much a theme going on here. He emphasized the goodness of humanity, how nice things always happened when he went out of his way to help people. Now Dion _ knew _ he wasn’t telling the truth. People didn’t act like that in the real world, even when talking to an angel- and _ certainly _ not when he himself was around. It was almost insulting to know Patton genuinely expected him to believe all this. Even a small child would have noticed they were being moralized at.

Come to think of it… if Patton wanted to make up stories, two could play at that game, right? Dion would even play fair- modifying things he’d genuinely seen people do, not just inventing them wholecloth. His first story, in fact, was going to be very nearly _ true. _ He’d only been running his shop for a few days, yet it seemed that was all the time humans needed to start driving him up the wall.

“You know,” he broke in with a tellingly innocent expression, “as long as we’re here, why don’t I tell you about how I got some of _ my _ things?”


	6. Conversation

Time passed. Dion wasn’t sure how it had happened, but he wasn’t just telling stories to counter Patton’s point anymore. He wasn’t even making things up, really, except a bit of fudging on the time periods and such. He was… actually having a good time. It was weird.

At some point, to his relief, they’d left Patton’s disconcerting bedroom and moved back down to the merely extremely tacky living room. He had to admit that, no matter what they may have looked like, the chairs really were very comfortable. He really should have been leaving by now, but he didn’t want to get up. The problem was only exacerbated when Patton produced chocolate cookies from somewhere- he claimed he’d made them earlier, while Dion was almost certain he had conjured them up just now while standing in the kitchen.

“I really ought to be going soon,” he sighed. No move was made in the direction of actually doing so, although he did fidget almost unnoticeably with his hands when his speaking up caused Patton to look at him. “I’ve eaten enough of your food at this point, don’t you think?”

“If you have something you need to do, I wouldn’t want to keep you from it,” Patton agreed with a hint of a frown. “But you’re not imposing or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about- _ I _ didn’t have anything else going on today. You can stay as long as you want!” He couldn’t let- well, it wasn’t as if he could do anything about it, but he didn’t _ want _ Dion to leave when their subtextual argument about the fundamental nature of humanity had yet to resolve in his own favor.

Dion didn’t… strictly speaking… have anything else to do today either. Mostly because, y’know, Patton was literally the entire reason he was here on Earth right now. It just wasn’t a very good look, coming over just for lunch and then staying until it got dark. Humans considered that rude. (Dion was well-versed in what humans considered rude. He wouldn’t want to accidentally fail to offend anyone.)

“I suppose I _ could _ stay a bit longer… if you’re insisting.”

Patton was insisting.

Speaking of Patton, he was amazed that he was enjoying himself so much, although he wondered if maybe he should feel guilty about admitting it. His guest was, after all, a demon. But it was so easy to forget that! He was actually nice to talk to (at least, when he wasn’t being snarky and cynical), and he had so many interesting things to say. Patton tried to keep in mind that Dion was only acting so friendly because he was trying to corrupt him, and he shouldn’t let his guard down. And he _ really _ shouldn’t laugh when Dion made fun of the humans he’d talked to in his shop.

“Really, you would not _ believe _ the amount of people who come in and have the _ absolute nerve _ to ask me if I have anything that’s never been used before. That’s called _ every other store, _ are you kidding?”

Even if he secretly thought it was very funny.

The conversation wasn’t all one-sided, though, and Patton thought he made a _ little _ progress himself. He was honestly surprised by how polite Dion had been so far. He’d expected him to have something rude to say about the house, being well aware his taste was… eccentric by human standards, and probably even worse by demonic ones. He was even more surprised when it turned out not everything Dion had to say about other people was mean, either. At first, he’d clearly just been trying to counter Patton by making humans look bad, but by now he’d sort of let that go, focusing more on being entertaining. And as it turned out, he couldn’t help admitting he’d met some good people in his time as well.

And Patton had to admit that, while Dion had undoubtedly exaggerated things at first to prove his point, he himself had been doing the same thing. Although he was still pretty sure Dion was doing it _ more. _ Anyway- he seemed to have stopped now, or at least toned it down a lot, and Patton stopped as well. He liked the idea that it might have been his influence making the demon more honest. He’d gotten less tense, too, as opposed to how he’d been when he first arrived, on guard and poised to strike simultaneously. Patton’s living room had lost its air of a battlefield.

Now, Dion was smiling, and it wasn’t like the ones Patton had seen before. Those had been self-satisfaction, the pleasure of getting what he wanted. This one was just… happiness. A man, or at least something that looked like one, laughing at his own joke. He looked _ human. _ Patton was almost entranced. And yes, looking back, he realized he himself had relaxed over time as well, and he decided that wasn’t a bad thing. Dion’s job may have been best accomplished by staying in control, presenting the image of himself he wanted people to see, but Patton was different. Well… that much was obvious, they were two completely different beings. But aside from that- or rather, related to that- Patton always worked best when he was himself. Maybe that was why his progress on this whole “pretending to be human to convert Dion to his side” thing had been so… uh… slow.

Well, he wasn’t going to make _ that _ mistake anymore. Patton was done trying to beat Dion at his own game, now that he actually realized that was what he’d been doing, and he resolved to just enjoy the rest of their visit and get to know him. After all, wasn’t that what he would do if it were a human he was trying to redeem? He would take some time to bond and learn about them first, not jump right in with the moralizing and annoy them. It was clear to him now that he’d been going about this all wrong, so hung up on the whole demon thing that he’d acted like Dion was an entirely foreign creature, rather than a person. He should have known better than that. At their core, he and Dion weren’t even all that different; the main disparity between their two sides had always been what they chose to do with their power.

The point was, for all his talk about making Dion his friend, Patton had been forgetting to treat him like one. It was time to fix that. Patton closed his eyes for a moment and mentally reset himself. When he opened them again, there was a fully genuine smile on his face as he relaxed back in his chair.

“Sorry, I kinda spaced out for a minute there,” he said to Dion, laughing at himself. “What were you saying, about the thing with the giraffe?”

Now that he was letting go of the agenda he’d been half-focused on, he could give _ that _ the full attention it deserved, leaning forward and not hiding his interest. Dion visibly relaxed, too, his posture becoming more open as he returned to his story, and Patton felt even more certain he was making the right decision.


	7. Bonding Montage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step three: find shared interests and things you can do together. This might be hard at first, because your demon won't easily admit to liking ANYTHING, but keep trying and you might find out he's having more fun than he wants you to think.

The next week was Dion’s turn to host, since it was only fair. He allowed Patton into his actual living space this time, not just the shop, and despite his best efforts at making everything appropriately creepy and off-putting, the angel insisted the apartment was cozy. To be fair, having seen Patton’s own home, Dion wasn’t entirely convinced he understood how decorating was _ supposed _ to work, so he could be forgiven for not recognizing that a huge snake skin occupying most of a wall was not typically it.

And, as another point in his defense, Dion hadn’t been able to resist making the place at least reasonably comfortable- he was the one who had to live there until his mission was over, okay? There was no reason to make himself miserable for the sake of aesthetics. So maybe his guest wasn’t being _ totally _ ridiculous when he insisted that no, really, he could curl up and fall asleep right where he was, it was so nice. Dion was, however, still obligated to give him a suggestive look and tell him that if he wanted to stay the night, he only had to ask.

Patton had lit up and exclaimed something about a sleepover, and looked genuinely disappointed when he remembered he had work the next day. Even after he eventually went home, Dion wasn’t sure if that misunderstanding had been intentional or not.

Anyway. They kept seeing each other, a phrase which made Patton blush a little and Dion smirk at him. (Seriously, was he this easily embarrassed with all humans, or was it just him? …He didn’t particularly enjoy the idea of Patton being like this with everyone. He chose not to examine the feeling.) It couldn’t all be them going to each other’s homes and talking the entire time, though- not when they were both trying to avoid any hints to the fact that they were immortal, which limited their conversational options considerably. So they… got creative with it.

Dion was the first to suggest they go somewhere else. He wanted a bar or club- after all, it might be easier to talk Patton into some small bad deed with a bit of alcohol in his system- but the angel wasn’t as stupid as that, and instead they ended up at a cute little café. Patton ordered a hot chocolate with unreasonable amounts of whipped cream. Dion frightened an unsuspecting barista with a coffee order that really ought to have killed him on the spot, and they passed a pleasant afternoon looking out the window as they sat on opposite sides of a small table, commenting on whatever they saw outside. Patton made a noise that hurt Dion’s head every time a dog went by, and he didn’t mind as much as he really should have.

Then there were the classes. Dion wasn’t a fan of being around so many humans, but he couldn’t exactly refuse unless he had a better idea, and he usually didn’t. Patton had a seemingly endless list of things he’d “always wanted to try,” but never found the time, or wanted to go with a friend, or some other excuse. They did yoga, which Dion was unexpectedly good at and hated nonetheless. They learned to paint, which Patton was unexpectedly _ terrible _ at, and yet loved. They were both accumulating a small mountain of useless, mediocre crafts- Dion wondered if he could trick anyone into buying his, if he came up with a good enough lie about their origins. He certainly couldn’t have them sitting around the apartment forever, what if someone saw?

They were still doing their jobs, of course. Everything was for the mission, or at least could be reasonably excused as such. Patton helped out wherever someone seemed to need it, and tried to rope Dion in as well, and Dion kept trying to convince him it was a waste of both their time and effort. He tried to put some sort of positive (negative?) spin on the few occasions where Patton actually _ did _ convince him to help, just in case anyone ever asked. He was… encouraging the sin of sloth, by sorting out a fellow learner’s mess of a cross-stitch attempt for them instead of letting them put in the work to figure it out themselves and improve. Yes. That was it. He made a point of explaining it to Patton after the fact, the way that supposedly nice thing he’d talked him into actually worked out as a negative. Naturally, it turned into an argument. (The truth was that it was neither a good deed nor a bad one. He’d just given in because he wanted to stop watching them struggle with it. It was painful to witness, and not in the sadistic way demons generally approved of.)

The most recent class had been crochet. Dion had argued for knitting instead, and lost. This was why he was now making Patton an uncomfortable, spite-driven pair of crocheted socks. The best part was, since it was a gift, he’d feel obligated to actually wear the wretched things. They were… probably a huge waste of time, in terms of Dion’s actual goal here, but they sure would make Patton wish he’d agreed to sign up for the knitting class.

It had nothing to do with kind of just wanting to give him a gift. Absolutely nothing whatsoever.


	8. Patton's Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step four: accidentally develop a crush on him- no, listen, I'm serious, it's an important step! Really!

A few months and many lunch visits later, the two had established a rhythm. They would certainly have been considered friends by now, had they both not had ulterior motives for talking to each other and meeting up so often. On this particular occasion, Patton was curled up on the couch in Dion’s apartment, watching the rain fall outside and trying not to get sleepy. It wasn’t working very well.

“Darling, are you even listening to me?” Dion’s amused voice broke through his trance. Patton jerked his head up, flustered by both the term of endearment and the fact he’d been caught drifting off yet again. It wasn’t his fault the couch was so comfortable.

“You’ve got to stop calling me things like that, people are going to think-”

“What people? No one else is here,” he pointed out. “Who’s going to think anything except me and you?” He didn’t wink, but Patton could feel him _ thinking _ about it. Somehow.

He gave up- there was really no way to stop Dion teasing him once he decided he wanted to, he’d learned by now. “In _ general, _ I mean.” He yawned and leaned his head against the back of the couch again. “Anyway, I heard what you were saying. I don’t think that’s in the rules of golf, though.”

“You don’t even know the rules of golf.”

“Neither do you! And-” Patton happened to glance at the clock and made a face. “Oh, shoot, I have to go.”

“Oh, I’m sure you could stay a while longer… at least until the rain stops,” Dion tried. He felt sort of bad about how little he’d actually tried at corrupting Patton today. Then again, he also felt bad whenever he _ did _ try, because he was realizing he quite liked Patton and didn’t exactly _ want _ to ruin his life. There was simply no winning here.

Patton frowned apologetically. “I really can’t this time, I have something else I need to do… same time next week, my house?”

“Of course. As usual.” He walked Patton to the door, then returned upstairs to think.

As he walked home in the rain, Patton couldn’t stop smiling. Today had just been so _ nice! _ Okay, so he hadn’t _ technically _ done much of anything to push Dion in the right direction, but the demon still hadn’t said or done anything very evil, so that was a good sign, right? And clearly, he was capable of being good company, which _ Patton _ at least felt was important, although not everyone might have agreed.

He walked in his front door completely soaked, and a second later, he was completely dry. Normally, he actually enjoyed the process of drying off and getting himself warmed up, but it probably wouldn’t do to give a progress report on his assignment with wet hair. He made sure he looked presentable, made _ double _ sure all the curtains were closed, and started up an angelic Skype call with his… he supposed the best word would be “supervisor,” since they did, in fact, supervise what he did.

After a second, they appeared in a flash of light, and greeted Patton by his real name- one which couldn’t be pronounced by humans or written in any human language, which was why he usually went by “Patton” instead. He responded in kind. They didn’t have any direct interactions with humans, so the real version of their name was the only one there was.

It was sort of hard to tell, what with how they hadn’t bothered to shapeshift into a being with a distinguishable face, but Patton got the sense they weren’t very happy with him right now.

“What progress have you made on your assignment since the last time we spoke?”

Patton fidgeted, laughing nervously. “Well- you know, I’m… bringing him around, I think… he hasn’t been as rude lately?” He knew he was making progress, really! He just… wasn’t sure how to get that across to his supervisor. They could be kinda hard to explain things to, and he always felt like they suspected he wasn’t doing _ real _ work down here, not like they did.

“I see.” Ah yes, the disappointed tone. “You haven’t actually convinced him to do any good deeds, then? No _ concrete _ progress?”

“Not… not exactly,” he sighed. He wanted to whine that it was _ hard, _ okay, he had enough trouble getting Dion to interact with humans in a way that didn’t involve insults, let alone do good things for them, but that wouldn’t have been very professional.

“I see,” they said again. “Well, no doubt you’ll make some progress soon enough. Just try a bit harder, and you’ll get it eventually.”

“I will,” he assured them, trying not to sound annoyed. He was sure they didn’t _ mean _ to sound so patronizing. They were just so much older than him, they essentially saw him as a child who liked playing with humans somewhat too much, and who thought he could handle adult responsibilities.

Whether they noticed his irritation or not, they didn’t mention it, and disappeared after exchanging goodbyes.

“Well,” Patton said to himself, “that could’ve gone better.”

“I know, right?” agreed Roman, appearing in his living room out of nowhere. It would’ve startled him if he hadn’t been used to it by now. “I mean- I wasn’t eavesdropping! They just had asked me to bring them something, and I didn’t want to interrupt when you called them, so I… stood there until they were done and happened to hear everything.” He winced. “Okay, it still sounds bad.”

Patton laughed. “It’s okay, I probably would’ve told you about it now that you’re here, even if you hadn’t heard. I think they don’t believe I’m really trying, honestly…”

“Now, that isn’t fair at all!”

“I dunno, it… might be a little bit right?”

Roman raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Not on purpose!” he clarified hurriedly. “Just… Dion is actually really nice to talk to, and… sometimes I forget I’m supposed to be making him good instead of just hanging out?” He covered his face with his hands. “I know that sounds silly.”

“So you’re telling me,” Roman said slowly, “that you can’t do your job right, because you’re too distracted by what _ nice company _ you think the _ demon _ is.”

“Pretty much.”

“Patton. I can’t believe I’m saying this-” he gestured to himself for emphasis- “but you are the most useless gay I’ve ever met. Not to mention the absolute _ worst _ taste in men- er, beings who happen to look like men? Whatever.”

“I don’t-!”

“Yes, you do.”

He was an angel; he couldn’t exactly lie about this. Patton sighed. “Yes, I do.”

“You know you can’t keep this from Virgil.”

“I know.”

“He isn’t going to like it.”

“I _ know.” _

“Luckily, you don’t have to tell him, because he’s already here and heard all that.”

“I kn- wait, _ what?!” _

Patton finally uncovered his face and looked up to see Virgil waving from the corner, looking like he was very slightly beginning to lose his mind. “Hi, yup, Roman called me. Wanna explain what the _ hell you think you’re doing?” _


	9. Dion's Report

It wasn’t long after Dion went back up to his apartment that he got a sort-of visitor: his friend and fellow demon Logan, appearing in a flash of fire. Dion coughed and waved away the bits of smoke that came with him. He often wished they had a better mode of communication than this, like maybe one that didn’t make everything smell weird whenever he used it.

“Hello, Logan.” He fell back onto his couch and looked up at the faded patterns of the wallpaper- skulls and dead flowers; he had to keep up his aesthetic. “I don’t suppose you’re here just to chat?”

Logan folded his arms. “No. I’m here because  _ someone _ hasn’t checked in since starting this business with the angel. …By someone, I mean you. I don’t want any confusion here. They’re not happy with you.”

He sighed, tracing a wilted rose with his finger. “I don’t see why I should have to be the one to check in, when they’re the ones who want to talk to me and I don’t want to talk to them at all. If they want to know how I’m doing so badly,  _ they _ can call  _ me.” _

“I’m having trouble deciding if you’re suicidal or just an idiot.”

“Why not both?” he asked dryly. He finally sat up properly and faced Logan. “No, but really- I can’t stand them and I’m not going to talk to them for as long as I can get away with it. No one’s murdered me about it so far,” he concluded with a shrug, “so for all you know it will be fine.”

“That is… not good reasoning at all, and you know it. That’s the kind of logic you use on  _ humans _ you’re trying to talk into  _ committing crimes.” _

“Exactly, and look how well it’s always worked out for me!” The smirk on Dion’s face told Logan he knew perfectly well that made no sense, so he gave up arguing. If he wanted to set his bed on fire before lying in it, that was his prerogative.

“Are you at least willing to tell  _ me _ about it?”

“Oh yes, absolutely, I thought you’d never ask. This angel… I just don’t  _ understand _ him. You know, they’re normally so insufferable and  _ oh, you can’t do that, it’s Wrong, _ and you can’t talk to them for more than two minutes without wanting to kill someone? You’re familiar with that feeling? Well, I thought Patton was like that at first- that’s his name, the angel- but now… I mean, he was over here earlier, and we had a whole  _ conversation, _ and I didn’t fantasize about murder  _ once, _ Logan.”

“And that means it’s… going well?”

“Yes? No? I can’t tell- he doesn’t seem to do anything very  _ angelic _ when we’re together, but I also haven’t managed to make him do anything actually  _ bad. _ It’s strange. Your typical angel is only following their insane list of rules, after all, so you’d think… but no, it’s as if he truly  _ believes _ everything he says about the innate value and goodness of humanity.”

“Ah, yes, I can see why you’d be baffled by the concept of someone genuinely liking people.”

He shot Logan a glare. “You might be more helpful if you listened to what I’m saying instead of making fun of me.”

“I can do both at once.” Logan didn’t remember  _ offering _ to provide help, but he wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to make someone listen to his advice.

“What I’m  _ saying _ is,” he continued, “it’s like… he’s definitely been around humans too much, yes, but being like them hasn’t brought him any closer to us, he’s just…  _ more. _ More of everything he already was. He, he  _ cares.” _

“Ah.” Logan nodded in understanding. “Even if you  _ do _ succeed in bringing him to our side…”

“He’d be eaten alive,” Dion confirmed gloomily.

“Still, it’s a net gain for us as long as he isn’t one of  _ them _ anymore, correct? It doesn’t entirely matter whether he’s  _ good _ at being a demon, the point is-”

“But I don’t  _ want _ that!” He stood abruptly and began to pace the room, walking right through the illusion of Logan when the other didn’t move out of the way. “I- if you’d seen him, getting excited over some tiny human thing, and his face just lights up- I can’t, I don’t…” He shook his head.

“You’ve gotten too attached, haven’t you?”

Dion stopped and collapsed onto the couch again, not denying it. “I… I don’t think I can ruin his life like this, Logan.”

“Check in, then, and tell them,” he suggested. “Give the job to someone else. True, they won’t like that, but it should have a slightly better outcome than continuing to sabotage your own efforts while failing to give any kind of status update.”

“So your idea of a solution is… to admit that I’ve failed and subject myself to their wrath, and then let them send someone  _ else _ to handle the angel, who will probably be a lot less tactful about it? Thank you  _ so _ much, Logan, your help is truly unparallelled.”

Logan was getting frustrated. “It’s better than your plan to do nothing and see what happens when you’re caught!”

“Not if it still gets him hurt!” Dion nearly shouted.

There was a pause. They were both surprised by the intensity of that outburst. Then, Logan took a deep breath and sighed. “There’s no reason to fight over this. If you’ve made up your mind to be unreasonable… I suppose there’s nothing more I can do here. Whenever you come to your senses, remember I tried to warn you.” He disappeared. Dion stared into the puff of smoke he left behind, and wondered when exactly  _ any _ of the things he’d just said had started being true. Unfortunately, he didn’t have long to think before someone  _ else _ appeared- honestly, demons had no manners these days, showing up in a person’s apartment with no warning- and just as Logan had told him, they weren’t very happy.

They called his true name- a harsh, grating sound, which not only couldn’t be pronounced by humans, but would probably make their ears bleed if they heard it. He stood up straight and tried to look like he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Sir?”

He wasn’t even certain who he was talking to, wreathed in flame as they were. Demons liked anonymity. It made it that much harder for others to get revenge after you’d pissed them off.

Dion, unfortunately, did not have that luxury in this particular moment, and they certainly did seem pissed. “You know damn well why I’m here. You haven’t given a single progress report since you started this mission. I hope you have a good excuse.” They both knew that was a lie. They were, in fact, hoping he  _ didn’t _ have a good excuse, because then they’d get to see what happened to him as a result.

“Of course I do,” he lied back. “I’ve been very busy, it’s as simple as that. Surely you don’t think it’s  _ easy _ to corrupt an angel, or we’d be doing it all the time. I have no time to be reporting every little thing I do. I assumed that if you needed to hear from me, you would contact me, and-” he gestured to the fact that they were, in fact, there contacting him- “it looks like I was right.”

They darkened. “Oh  _ really? _ I suppose you’ve gotten a lot done, then, working around the clock without even five spare minutes to check in. What  _ exactly _ have you accomplished in all that time?”

He shifted nervously, thinking of the amount of time he had, in reality, spent sleeping in and taking very long hot baths. It was Patton’s fault for introducing him to bath bombs. “First of all, just maintaining the appearance of being human takes up a lot of time, but  _ despite that, _ I’ve accomplished a lot,” he assured them. “In fact, I believe that after our next contact, I’ll have his full trust.”

“That’s  _ it?” _

“You don’t understand,” he scoffed. “That’s most of the work. Once I have him, which I almost do… well, I’ll be able to play him like a fiddle. Better than that, actually, because I’ve never played a fiddle in my life. He’ll do anything for me and not even realize it.” Dion was used to doing that sort of thing with humans, and everyone knew him for it. Hopefully they wouldn’t ask too many questions about how well it was working on Patton.

“Oh, really,” they said again. They were still suspicious, but at least they didn’t seem to  _ know _ he was full of shit. “After this meeting, you’ll be able to, say… make him do something immoral? Commit a crime?”

_ Doing something immoral _ and  _ committing a crime _ were not actually synonymous, but Dion didn’t think this was the time to bring it up. “Easily,” he confirmed, because that was the answer which would end the conversation faster.

“In that case, I’ll be back in a week to hear all about it.” Although he couldn’t see their face, he felt like they were smiling unpleasantly. “If you don’t deliver, I suspect we’ll be reconsidering your placement on this mission… among other things.”

After an appropriately ominous moment of silence, they were gone without a trace. Dion sat back down on the couch, not entirely on purpose, and stared blankly at the opposite wall. “Well,  _ fuck.” _

He had no idea how on earth he was going to pull  _ that _ off, but after indulging in denial for a few minutes, he admitted that he had to at least make an effort. The consequences should be slightly less severe for failure than for just plain not trying. He picked up his phone and dialed. “Er… Patton? Do you think we could reschedule the next lunch date to be a bit… sooner?”

“Oh! Sure, no problem!” Patton agreed. “Any particular reason? Just curious!”

“Something’s… come up. Next weekend won’t work anymore, and of course I’d rather see you sooner than later. How do you feel about sometime in the middle of the week?”

“Aww, that’s sweet! How about Tuesday? Still at mine, of course?”

“Perfect.”

Dion hung up, smiling a little despite himself. As he turned to go downstairs and make sure the shop was in order, he didn’t notice a puff of smoke appearing in the place his visitor had been standing, long after they’d supposedly left.


	10. Lunch Date 2: Demonic Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step five: get, uh... get kidnapped? Yeah, this definitely wasn't part of the plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a lil warning, this chapter is in fact where that "kidnapping" tag comes in

Tuesday came quickly. Patton spent all morning cleaning the house. It needed a bit of organizing, and there was an unpleasant burnt smell in the air- he supposed he _ may _ have left his cupcakes in the oven just a _ little _ too long earlier, although he hadn’t thought it was bad enough to make everything all smoky like this. Anyway, Dion always got on him about how messy he was, so maybe he would appreciate the effort at cleaning. Patton couldn’t wait to see him again! 

The conversation with Roman and Virgil had gone better than expected. Sure, they’d teased him… a lot… and Virgil had made it clear that he would end Dion’s existence if he ever hurt Patton- but it had been so good to finally admit how he felt! Heck, if everything went well today, maybe he’d even tell Dion himself. The best thing to come out of the talk with his friends yesterday was a new burst of motivation. They’d been the ones to remind him that if he really liked this demon of his, converting him to their side was the best thing he could possibly do about it- then, nothing could stop them from being together forever!

He’d blushed when Roman phrased it like that. He hadn’t said anything about wanting to _ marry _ him.

Dion arrived right on time, which felt like ages to Patton, even though really he only had to wait for a couple of hours. (Given that Patton had personal experience of what an _ actual _ age felt like, that was saying something.) When he finally showed up at the door, Patton’s mood was dampened a fair bit. He looked just as nervous as the first time he’d come over, if not more. Patton really hoped nothing was seriously wrong, especially since Dion only brushed him off when he asked what was the matter, trying to convince him he was only imagining the change from his usual demeanor. He always did that when he was in a mood, although it wasn’t normally _ this _ bad, and he always seemed to think Patton couldn’t see through it.

Possibly not the best day to be confessing his feelings, then. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t have a good time! Well… it might, depending on what the problem was, but he could at least try. Patton would just have to tone it down a bit, no matter how excited he was, since he wouldn’t want to annoy him and make things even worse. It was probably better to work up to the confessing bit slowly, anyway.

They sat in the living room, their habitual seating arrangement having migrated over time from “chairs on opposite sides of the room” to “increasingly close together on the sofa.” Patton had also let himself be convinced at this point that he didn’t need to cook a whole meal every single time, and instead provided a variety of things that were a little easier to hold a dignified conversation over than spaghetti.

“How has it been with your shop?” he asked in what seemed like a safe conversation opener, nibbling at a triangle of PB&J.

“Fairly slow. Not many customers the past few days.” Dion neglected to mention that this was largely because he’d been scaring them away, the better to focus on getting out of his current predicament. Unfortunately, although he’d had some ideas, none of them could be called _ good. _ “And your… job?” He waved a hand vaguely to indicate that he still wasn’t entirely convinced it was a real job. In which belief, to be fair, he was pretty much correct.

“Oh, um… I’ve been off?” Patton, quite frankly, had forgotten all about it. Good thing he wasn’t actually employed there, or some people would have been very unhappy with him right now. “That’s why I could have you over today, of course!”

“Ah, yes, of course.” He tapped his fingers against his mug of tea pensively. The silence stretched to the point where Patton resorted to a comment about the weather, but Dion didn’t seem to hear him. Finally, he dragged himself out of his thoughts and spoke again. “Patton, I need to be honest with you.”

He sat up, attentive and concerned. “What?”

“There’s… there’s a different reason I wanted to meet sooner, it’s not exactly what I said. I’m…”

He had his speech all planned out, a desperate last-minute attempt. _ I’m in trouble, Patton. I got mixed up with the wrong people, and I need your help. _ It might convince Patton to do something just a little bit wrong or illegal, if it would save his poor vulnerable human friend, and it was even almost true. Unfortunately, he never got to finish speaking.

“I _ knew _ it!” In an angry flash, the same demon Dion had talked to a few days ago emerged from their hiding spot- a corner of the room where they’d made themself invisible. “Traitor! You’re not even trying!”

The two shot to their feet, human disguises wavering. Patton, while understandably shocked by this turn of events, had the presence of mind to wave a hand at the curtains and close them before anyone could walk by.

“I-it’s not what it looks like!” Dion’s eyes flicked between the demon and Patton, and it was unclear which of them he was talking to.

“I won’t hesitate, bitch,” the other demon snarled.

“Now, let’s all calm down,” Patton said as firmly as he could. He took a step forward to stand between the two of them, but before he could react, more demons revealed themselves and grabbed his and Dion’s arms to restrain them. Dion struggled fruitlessly, only earning himself a few extra bruises, while Patton was frozen in shock. The ringleader walked over and shoved Patton’s coffee table aside carelessly, shaking his head in mock sadness.

“I’m sorry it had to go this way. We really had hoped to talk you around in a civilized manner, but it appears that your friend here is too incompetent for that. Thanks to him, we’re going to have to do this the hard way- but don’t worry, I’ll _ personally _ make sure he regrets it.” They smirked and gestured to their cohorts. “Let’s go.”

_ “No!” _

As if snapping out of a trance, Patton started thrashing against the hands that held him. He may not have been entirely sure what was going on here, but he knew they weren’t going _ anywhere _ with these people if there was anything he could do about it. “Let us go!”

They’d been ready for him to fight, of course. His flailing only got him free for a few seconds before they grabbed him again. A few seconds, though, was enough time to spin around and throw himself at the ones holding Dion, and they had _ not _ been expecting _ that. _ Patton was too busy getting shoved to the ground and immediately recaptured to see what exactly happened in the moments after he attacked them, but when he looked up again, Dion was gone and the other demons looked very angry.

The leader forced a smile and stood in front of Patton, who, at this point, wasn’t going anywhere- he could barely move a muscle, and he was pretty sure there was some sort of demonic power involved. They slapped him, hard, and seemed slightly mollified by the fact that he couldn’t even flinch.

“You’re an idiot,” they hissed. Patton thought distantly that he liked that tone a lot better when Dion was the one using it. “He doesn’t care about you. You were never friends. And now, you’re going to suffer for his failure.”

Patton didn’t break eye contact or respond. He was still glaring defiantly when they gripped his arms and pulled him down through the floor, leaving his cute little house for, very likely, the last time ever.


	11. No One Is A Vampire

Dion ran. Away from the house, away from anything he recognized, until he was sure he’d made it somewhere they wouldn’t immediately think to look for him. What was he going to do now? He couldn’t get out of town yet, they’d be expecting that. They probably had some sort of trap set up. He needed to hide, lay low for a while… but how was he supposed to do _ that? _ He couldn’t go home, they’d probably check the hotels, and it wasn’t like he had any human friends-

…But Patton did. Those humans he knew through the _ best friend _ he took every chance to wax poetic about, whom he seemed to think Dion wouldn’t figure out was really another angel. They would… well, in all honesty, they might kill him as soon as help him, especially once they found out what happened to Patton. (And that it was mostly his fault.) But that still left a 50% chance, right? It wasn’t like his current situation could get much _ worse. _

A short time later, Thomas Sanders opened his front door to find a _ second _ weird stranger looking for Virgil. It seemed a lot more serious this time. The guy looked like he’d recently lost a fight, and kept glancing around as if afraid of being followed.

“Please, I- I need his help, it’s important.” He didn’t seem very confident that his pleading would actually get him permission to talk to Virgil- in fact, he blinked in surprise when Thomas stepped back to let him in.

“Stay right here, I’ll go find him.” There was an unspoken “and don’t touch anything” in the glance Thomas gave him before walking away.

“Uh, who’s that guy?” asked Remy, appearing like magic as soon as Thomas was out of the visitor’s hearing. “Are you sure you should be letting him in the house? He looks pretty shady. Like a vampire… who also does crimes.”

Thomas frowned. “I don’t know who he is, he said he needed to see Virgil. I didn’t want to make him wait outside when it looks like he just got beat up, y’know?”

“I _ told _ you!” he whispered loudly as they neared Virgil’s room. “Didn’t I tell you he was in some- oh, there he is.”

Virgil, who’d just opened his door, gave Remy an unimpressed look and then decided to ignore him. “What’s up?” he asked, in the direction of specifically only Thomas.

“Uh… there’s a guy at the door who says he needs your help…? I’m hoping it was okay to let him in?”

Virgil followed him back to the door, looking confused right up until he actually saw him, at which point his face hardened. “…You.”

The other shrugged and nodded as if to say, “unfortunately, yes.”

“What are you doing here?” He straightened up, standing in front of Thomas and Remy defensively.

His eyes flicked to them, then back to Virgil. “It’s about Patton.”

The atmosphere changed again, in a way Thomas couldn’t hope to understand, and Virgil grabbed the stranger’s arm and started dragging him to his room. Neither of them looked happy.

“Hey, are you gonna tell us what the hell is going on?” Remy shouted after them.

“No,” Virgil yelled back, closing his door.

Left alone in the hall, Thomas and Remy looked at each other.

“We should probably go in another room until-”

“Are you serious? This is our chance to find out what Virgil’s deal is, I’m not missing out on that tea.” Before Thomas could protest, Remy had pulled him over to Virgil’s door and was listening closely.

They could only hear the occasional scrap of conversation, but it sounded very serious.

“-not letting you put them in danger!” Virgil said angrily, and something about “what happened to Patton.” They couldn’t make out the other’s response, but it sounded like he was trying to calm Virgil down with little success. More muffled argument, and then Virgil again: “I should kill you right now.” It really didn’t sound like he was joking. “In fact, give me one good reason not to.”

They looked at each other with wide eyes. …Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to be eavesdropping on an angry Virgil. Thomas pulled Remy down the hall and into his room hurriedly.

“Okay, I’m starting to think maybe you were right.”

_ “Maybe? _ What other explanation could there possibly _ be? _ This dude shows up looking like _ that, _ he’s apparently putting us in danger just by being here, and I’m pretty sure the Patton guy from before is _ dead _ or something from how they were talking about him.”

Thomas was a little bit tired of his smugness in the face of supposed danger. “If you’ve been so sure this whole time that he was… being gay and doing crimes or whatever, why didn’t you, I don’t know, call the police?”

Remy looked at him like he’d never heard anything so ridiculous in his life. “Why would I do that? This is probably the coolest thing that’s ever happened to us, we’ll be the most interesting people at every party we go to.”

“Sure, if we don’t die today,” Thomas grumbled. “I don’t even _ go _ to parties.”

“Sounds like a you problem, hon.”

Thomas sighed and put his face in his hands.

They didn’t try to listen at the door again, but Remy got bored after a few minutes and pressed his ear to the wall Thomas’s room shared with Virgil’s. He didn’t catch more than a few words of what was being said, but he was able to report that the discussion was definitely heated. After another fifteen minutes, he heard Virgil clearly say “Fine!” and then open his door. Remy rushed over to sit next to Thomas on his bed, looking innocent, by the time Virgil and his mysterious visitor came in.

“Okay, so, uh… I kinda have something to… confess to you guys.”

Remy looked at Thomas and raised his eyebrows as if to say, “See? I told you!”

Virgil took a deep breath and focused on a bit of wall, confident that it, at least, would not react badly. “I’m not actually… human.”

Remy froze in disbelief, while Thomas blurted out the first and dumbest thing that came into his head. “You really are a vampire and it wasn’t just a Halloween costume?!”

This appeared to throw Virgil off slightly from Serious Confession Mode, enough so that he forgot to be dramatic about his reveal. “What? No. I- I’m an angel.”

They stared at him again.

“You’re joking,” Remy said eventually.

Virgil, in response, started glowing.

“…Oh.” He stared. “I’m gonna faint now, ‘kay?” Luckily, he was already sitting on the bed. Virgil waited a few seconds and then patted his face to wake him up.

Thomas, while at least still conscious, was not doing much better in terms of comprehension. “You- you’re actually…?”

“Yeah. Uh, your guardian angel, specifically. Could you at least try to speed up the denial process a little? ‘Cause I still have a lot of stuff to explain and, no offense, but we really don’t have time to stop every time your worldview gets shattered.”

“I thought angels were supposed to be nice,” Remy complained. At least he was recovered enough to sass.

“We’re supposed to be _ good. _ Not the same thing at all. Now, shut up and pay attention.”

One explanation later, dense with things the humans would’ve considered impossible just yesterday, Thomas struggled to comprehend everything he’d just been told. “Let me get this straight.”

“You can’t,” Remy reminded him. Few things made sense right now, but at least he still had gay jokes.

“Ayy,” Thomas responded automatically. “No, but really. So you’re my guardian angel-”

“Yup.”

“And Patton, the one that came to see you before, he’s an angel too-”

“Mhm.”

“And _ he’s _ a demon? Except he’s… on your side now? Because of Patton? Who got kidnapped by other demons?”

“More or less,” Dion hummed.

“Hold on,” Remy interrupted, “why do you _ care? _ I mean, you’re literally a demon, and you just found out Patton was only friendly to turn you good or whatever, so…”

Dion turned on him, more than ready to start a fight he could actually win. “It’s not as if I’m offering to help out of the goodness of my heart,” he snapped. “It’s a trade. A deal, if you like. If you all let me hide out here for a while so the same thing doesn’t happen to me, I’ll tell Virgil anything he wants to know to help get his friend back. I have no personal interest at all in what happens to Patton, understand?”

“Alright, I get it, chill.” Remy held his hands up placatingly toward both Dion and Virgil, who was glaring at Dion again.

Thomas spoke up in the hope that everyone would get back on track and not yell at each other. “So you want to, what, just sleep on our couch for a while? Doesn’t sound like a problem to me.”

“It’s not that simple,” Virgil argued. “He wants to hide here because he pissed them off, which means they’re _ looking _ for him, which means if they _ find _ him here, and find out you were hiding him, they will _ kill you. _ Painfully.”

He winced. “Ooh.”

“Yeah. So… are you really gonna do it?”

“Wait, you’re actually giving us a choice?”

Virgil shrugged. “I mean, not that I don’t _ want _ to kick him out myself, but I can’t,” he said over Dion’s offended sound of protest. “I’m just here to protect you from an untimely death, not to make important decisions for you. Free will or whatever.”

“Oh.” Thomas realized after a moment that this meant he had to actually make the decision now. “Uh…”

He looked over at Remy for help, but he seemed, as ever, to be in favor of whichever option was more exciting, regardless of how likely it was to actually be a good decision. He looked at Dion, clearly trying to figure out what he would do once they told him to get out of their house and not come back, and at Virgil, who couldn’t quite hide how badly it hurt him to know Patton was suffering. He made up his mind.

“You know what? He can stay.”


	12. This Is So Sad, Virgil Play Yelling At Dion

To say it was awkward at first would be an understatement. Both Thomas and Remy called out of work for a few days, citing a family emergency, which Thomas insisted was completely accurate. Virgil was family as far as he was concerned, human or not, and Patton counted too by the transitive property. Of course they were going to stay home for a while to help Virgil with his search for a solution.

Dion helped, too, as promised. With his knowledge, they were able to figure out where Patton was almost certainly being kept. Unfortunately, it was a place Virgil had no chance of getting to, even if he were allowed to leave Thomas unattended long enough to try. The negative energy which permeated Hell was toxic to anyone who didn’t belong there. If Virgil- or any other angel, for that matter- went there, he’d be too weak by the time he found Patton to make it out again, let alone break someone else out. He’d only get himself captured as well.

That was only _ one _ of the reasons Virgil knew his calls to his and Patton’s supervisors would be in vain even before he made them, though. They weren’t going to sacrifice even more of their people on a suicide mission to save one. As far as they were concerned, Patton had known the dangers of approaching a demon when he’d accepted his task, and he wouldn’t want anyone else hurt for his sake. What Virgil hated the most was that they were right.

“Don’t take this wrong, but how are you so sure he’s still alive?” Remy asked one day, from a safe distance.

“We can’t die,” Virgil informed him without looking up. He shuffled through pages of rejected plans to find the map Dion had made for him. “Normally, if our bodies get damaged, we can just use our power to heal them. Patton… can’t do that right now. If his physical form is- is damaged too badly…”

“He can’t die, but he’ll be trapped in a body that should be dead, unable to heal himself,” Dion finished. The piece of paper he was holding ripped in two, and he looked down as if surprised by the actions of his own hands. The halves knit back together with an absent gesture from Virgil.

“…Oh. That seriously sucks, babes.” Remy backed out of the room, wishing he knew how to react to statements like that without being flippant. “I, uh- gotta go now. Bye.”

As bad as the situation definitely was, there were still _ some _ lighter moments. Remy had discovered quickly that he and Dion got along surprisingly well, once he got over the absurdity of his basic existence, and he still hadn’t decided if he should take that as a bad sign. When Thomas enforced a break from the plans, the two could often be found watching bad movies just to make fun of them together. It kept Dion from imploding with stress and helped lessen Remy’s frustration over not being able to go out whenever he wanted, since Virgil insisted both he and Thomas stay where he could make sure they were safe. The fact that Remy’s safety wasn’t actually part of his job did nothing to change his mind.

Virgil didn’t get along with Dion nearly as well, not that anyone was surprised. He’d eventually, reluctantly acknowledged that he didn’t need to keep him away from the humans, but he could never forgive the reason he was there in the first place. It all came to a head after one of Virgil’s many talks with Roman, which provided very little hope and left him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, trying not to cry.

Dion stepped into the room hesitantly. “Is something wrong?” In his defense, he realized that was a stupid question as soon as he asked it.

“What do _ you _ think?”

“Right.” He really should’ve just taken that perfectly good opportunity he had to walk out again with minimal awkwardness, but instead, he kept talking. “Well… if there’s anything I can do-”

“You know what you can do?” Virgil shot up and whirled around to face him, eyes blazing even as tears fell. “What you could’ve done to- to make me less upset- you could’ve not been a selfish fucking _ coward _ in the first place, and stopped them from taking Patton, okay?!”

Dion put his hands up defensively. “It’s not like I could’ve done anything, there were too many of them-”

“Amazing how sure you are when we both know you didn’t even _ try. _ I bet it didn’t even occur to you. What would you do if they found you here? Run away again? Let them kill Thomas and Remy to give you time to escape?”

“Virgil-”

“Don’t- don’t talk to me. I’m going to calm down.” He retreated to his room and slammed the door.

Dion made himself scarce for the rest of the day. He caught a glimpse of Virgil at one point, letting Thomas hug him while he cried. Good- that seemed to be what he needed right now. As for himself, he couldn’t find the will to talk to anyone, not even Remy, even when he offered to pretend nothing had happened so it wouldn’t be so uncomfortable. He couldn’t face anyone when he knew all of Virgil’s accusations had been true. 

Honestly, he’d stayed too long already- he’d already shared everything useful he knew, and at this point, every day he spent in one place only increased his chances of being caught. Leaving was both safer and, for what little it was worth to him, the right thing to do. He waited until everyone else in the house was asleep, folded the blankets he’d been borrowing neatly on the couch, and left a note on top of them. It explained that he’d decided Virgil was partly right, and he was leaving to avoid putting everyone in danger with his presence. He made it to the next state in a car “borrowed” from one of their particularly annoying neighbors before anyone woke up.


	13. Dion Gets His Shit Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step six: get him to rescue you from literal Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand this one is the reason for the "graphic depictions" archive warning

Dion spent the next two weeks driving almost nonstop. It would’ve been much easier to just teleport between various places, but he wasn’t confident that no one would notice that considerable usage of his power. It had been much less risky to simply steal the car he was now driving and make its owner forget it had ever existed. …He did wonder how his life had gotten to the point where stealing a car was the _ safe _ option, but here he was.

Specifically, here he now was in a semi-sketchy, cheap hotel somewhere in Montana. He was pretty sure this was the longest he’d spent in one place since leaving, purely by virtue of the fact that he was planning to actually sleep there all night.

Well… planning to lie in bed all night, at least. He hadn’t been doing much sleeping.

He had nearly convinced himself he’d been right to drive away in the middle of the night, but he still didn’t know what the hell he was going to do now. Even if they eventually gave up looking for him, then what? He could never go back. Was he just going to live as a human forever, moving whenever his lack of aging got suspicious, never getting close to anyone in case it got them killed? No, that was stupid. He was being stupid. 

But what other options did he have? He could turn himself in, accept whatever punishment they decided to give him for failing miserably at his task and then running away for nearly a month, and eventually go back to life as normal. It wouldn’t exactly be _ pleasant, _ but he couldn’t die any more than the angels could, and even angry demons wouldn’t hold a grudge for the rest of eternity… he hoped. He would never be trusted again, but at least he wouldn’t be permanently on the run.

There was, of course, one glaring problem with that option- it did nothing to resolve the guilt currently keeping him from sleep. He could tell himself all he wanted that Patton wasn’t his problem, and the angels would figure something out, and it would be fine, but he knew deep down none of it was true. He’d been trying to ignore the awful feeling this whole time, hoping it would fade if he didn’t think about it. Quite honestly, he wasn’t sure when he had even developed such a thing as a conscience, but it was here now, and he was pretty sure there was only one way to make it shut up.

Giving up on sleep, as it was now approximately three in the morning, he abandoned the uncomfortable hotel bed and called Logan.

He responded almost instantly, looking slightly frantic. “Dion! Where on earth _ are _ you?”

Dion looked around the room and shrugged. He wasn’t entirely sure what city this was, himself. “Listen, I don’t have time to explain, I need your help.”

“I’m not surprised. Do you have any idea how risky it is to even be calling me right now? If anyone notices this connection, they’ll have your location within-” he glanced off to the side, calculating in his head- “six minutes and forty-one seconds. Assuming they haven’t noticed already, of course.”

“Thank you, I don’t care,” he interrupted. “Can you get me back in without being caught?”

Logan frowned. “Of course I can, but… Please tell me you don’t think you can just sneak back in and go about business as if nothing happened.”

“Of course not,” Dion scoffed. “I’m not coming back to pretend I never fucked up. I’m coming back to _ fix _ it.”

Half an hour later, thanks to Logan’s careful work hiding his use of power to create a portal, the two stood together at the gates of Hell. “This is as far as I can get you,” Logan murmured. “I need to return to work before my absence becomes suspicious. Good luck.” His tone suggested it would take an _ absurd _ amount of luck for this to end well, but he was also aware that Dion _ had _ no options likely to end well, so he kept quiet about the chances of failure.

Dion nodded in thanks. Once Logan had walked away, he took a breath and shifted his appearance, creating the illusion that he was just some generic minor demon and not a wanted fugitive. As long as nobody got suspicious, he’d be able to get almost anywhere just by looking sufficiently busy- everyone who was actually supposed to be there would assume he’d been recruited to run an errand for someone else.

And, contrary to his secret expectation, it worked. There were a few close calls, and he winced when he saw his own face pinned to a bulletin board, captioned by a warning, but he made it all the way to the prison level without being recognized.

He knew where Patton would be: the furthest area from the entrance, maximum security. These cells were designed to hold rebellious demons- like, for example, _ him, _ if he were caught- but they were also perfectly good for containing an angel, especially one already weakened by simply being here. The other prisoners shouted insults at him as he walked past in the uniform of a guard, but he ignored them, keeping up the act until he’d made it to Patton’s cell and shut the door behind him.

In his lifetime as a demon, Dion thought he’d seen every awful thing there was in the world. None of it was enough to prepare him for the sight of Patton, so mutilated as to be almost unrecognizable, slumped against a wall in a puddle of blood. Bits of his true form had even been forced out somehow, probably once the torturers grew bored with his physical body, and his wings hung limp, crumpled and broken. His arms were chained to the wall in such a way that he could kneel with them stretched above his head, but not quite sit or lie down. His eyes were closed as he shivered violently despite the warm temperature- Dion would be surprised if he’d been allowed any rest since he was taken here, so the effort of being forced to stay vaguely upright had to be almost more than he could manage.

When Patton heard footsteps approaching him, he pressed himself against the wall with the little strength he still had, shaking even harder. He whimpered when Dion reached to touch him. “No- I’m still n-not gonna- please, no, _ please, _ I-I, I just need a minute,” he begged, voice painfully raw.

“Shh- Patton, shh, I’m not here to hurt you.” After a moment of hesitation, he let his disguise melt away. “It’s me, darling, it’s okay.”

Patton, very, very slowly, turned his face away from the wall to look at him. They’d taken his glasses from him, not that he could focus his eyes properly anyway, and it took several seconds of fearful staring to process who he was looking at. “…Di?”

He breathed a sigh of relief that Patton at least wasn’t too far gone to recognize him. “Yes, I’m here, I’m going to get you out, okay?”

A spark of life returned to Patton’s dull, exhausted eyes. As Dion picked the lock on one of his shackles and carefully moved Patton’s stiff arm to his lap, Patton leaned forward with considerable effort until his head rested on Dion’s shoulder, craving touch and comfort. “Knew you’d come,” he mumbled.

That was very impressive. Dion himself hadn’t even known until a few hours ago. Now, though, as he freed Patton’s other arm and helped him into a more comfortable sitting position, he couldn’t fathom how he’d ever considered leaving him here to suffer. The way Patton was talking when he thought Dion was really a guard… he must have been close to breaking under their constant torture. He was clinging to Dion’s shirt now like he was afraid he’d disappear. “I’m not leaving you again,” he whispered, “don’t you worry.”

He’d just finished unchaining Patton, and was considering how exactly to get back _ out _ with him, when the door opened. Dion muttered a string of curses in the demonic tongue, strong enough language to make Patton wince even in his current state, and stood up.

The guard, already angry that someone was messing with her most important prisoner, blanched with fury when she saw Dion’s face. “You little _ [untranslatable],” _ she growled, “I’ll drag you to trial myself- once I’ve taken care of _ that.” _ She directed a glare at Patton, who cowered silently behind Dion’s legs and didn’t meet her eyes.

Dion’s first reaction? He judged the distance from himself to the door, and mentally calculated whether he could shove the guard out of the way to escape without her grabbing him. He could come back for Patton later, with a better plan, maybe with some actual backup. He shifted his stance, preparing to run. And then he felt Patton’s weight on the back of his legs, the angel’s meager strength not enough to keep him sitting up for long. He looked down, while Patton looked up at him, his eyes full of fear- it was no surprise; he was _ terrified _ of the guard and of being hurt again, and even if he was unchained now, he didn’t have the strength to stand, let alone run or defend himself- but when he locked eyes with Dion, he relaxed just a little, and it was all too clear he’d put his trust in the demon. After all, he had promised not to leave him.

Dion shifted again- this time, ready to fight. “Touch him,” he said with much more confidence than he felt, “and I’ll destroy you.”

It should’ve been an easy win for the guard. Dion had never been much of a fighter; he built his skills around charming people so well he never _ needed _ to fight. Before she could land her first blow, though, something happened. A gust of wind swept through the room, strong enough to set the chains on the walls swinging. It would’ve knocked Patton to the floor if Dion hadn’t steadied him. As it died down, Dion started _ glowing. _ Not red and angry, the way a more powerful demon would in times of intense emotion, but a soft white light that somehow made the whole room seem less scary.

The guard took a step back in shock, but recovered a moment later, looking, if anything, more annoyed. “I don’t know what kind of trick this is, but it’s not going to stop me from- _ fuck!” _ She swung at Dion, a move that could have knocked him out in one hit, only to be stopped by the mysterious light, which formed a barrier in front of him as he raised his arms defensively. It was like punching a brick wall. The two combatants stared at one another, both equally surprised.

Dion grinned. After waving a hand around experimentally and watching the light move with it, he blocked another attack from the guard and then jabbed in her general direction. She was immediately thrown across the room as the entire strange barrier slammed into her, hitting a wall and crumpling to the ground unconscious. Her clothing glowed faintly where the light had made contact.

“Okay. …Okay.” He looked at himself, then at Patton barely conscious at his feet. “I don’t know what this is, and you’re in no shape to help me figure it out-” he knelt and lifted Patton in his arms bridal style, uncertain if it was so easy because the light was helping or because the angel really did weigh that little after his weeks of imprisonment- “but let’s get out of here before someone finds her, shall we?”

Patton nestled into his grip with a soft, pained whine- it was impossible to touch him without aggravating his wounds, covered with the results of every conceivable torture as he was. Dion felt bad about it regardless. “Shh, you’ll be able to heal soon. I know it hurts, I’m sorry. Try to rest for now, okay? I’ve got you.”

He made a noise that might have been assent and closed his eyes. Something in the back of his mind told him he shouldn’t fall asleep here, surrounded by danger, but a much bigger voice said _ no, it’s not dangerous, Dion is here and I love him and he’ll make it okay. _ Patton listened to that part over the other and passed out, sleeping longer than five minutes for the first time in nearly a month.


	14. Return

Virgil sat on the couch, Thomas and Remy on either side of him, holding himself back from screaming and overturning an end table. He’d been begging for weeks, and still there was nothing, _ nothing _ that would convince the higher-ups to even _ try _ to get Patton back. Roman, floating in front of them as a projection, looked just as angry as Virgil when he had to report the same answer as every other time: essentially, “calm down, it will be fine in the end.” When _ they _ said something would be fine in the end, they could mean anything from “no really, it will be fine” to “it won’t cause the end of the world or anything, so when we look at the big picture, it doesn’t matter.” In this case, he had a bitter suspicion it was the second option.

“I’m sorry,” Roman said. “I really did try to get through to them…”

Virgil sighed heavily, slumping. Thomas put a comforting arm around his waist, while Remy just bumped knees with him in subtle support.

“It’ll be okay,” Thomas said unconvincingly. “We can- we can figure something out on our own.”

“I already told you, I am _ not _ letting you two try a rescue mission, you would _ die.” _

“You don’t know that for sure,” Remy argued, “it’s just _ super likely.” _

“I said no, Rem.”

Remy drew breath to keep arguing, or even just whine about the unfairness of it, but his heart wasn’t in it. He deflated slowly, leaning a bit against Virgil. It made a sad image, the three of them huddled together on the couch, and no one could find the optimism anymore to bring the mood back up.

Then a portal to Hell opened on the other side of the living room.

The room briefly filled with smoke, which Virgil waved away from the humans on autopilot to make sure they weren’t breathing it as he subtly prepared for a fight. When it began to clear, they saw just about the last thing they’d expected: Dion, stumbling to his knees as he finally made it to safety, with a horribly injured and unconscious Patton cradled to his chest. Before the portal closed behind him, it was obvious he’d had to fight his way here, based on all the defeated demons strewn about in the background.

“Oh- oh my god.” 

Virgil crossed the room so fast, no one was certain he hadn’t teleported. Dion reflexively held Patton closer, and it seemed like a bit of an effort to willingly hand him over to Virgil. 

“You- you brought him back, _ thank you, _ I thought, I-” Virgil broke down crying, clutching Patton’s hand after very carefully laying him down on the carpet. _ “Patton, _ fuck, I thought I was never gonna see you again…”

At this point, Remy tactfully guided Dion to the bathroom for a little first aid. He hadn’t escaped without some injuries of his own, once the alarm went up and he was focusing the light’s power on shielding Patton.

It took a few minutes before Dion was truly present. While Remy retrieved supplies from a cabinet, he stared at the wall, trying to process that they had _ made it. _ He nearly fell off the counter when he snapped back to reality and realized he was sitting on it.

“Hey, chill,” Remy said as casually as possible, steadying him. “You don’t need any _ more _ bruises, gurl.”

Dion huffed, almost a laugh, and watched with a slight feeling of detachment as Remy pushed up his sleeve and spread anti-infection cream over a thankfully shallow cut. Dion wasn’t sure _ why _ demons were still so into swords and medieval weaponry when things like flamethrowers existed now, but he wasn’t complaining- the former category was, generally speaking, easier to block. He drifted a bit, and when he pulled himself from his thoughts again, Remy was studying him thoughtfully.

“You went back for him.”

“Yes, I did.”

“You weren’t going to at first, right? What changed your mind?”

Dion half-smirked. Slowly, he was returning to his usual self. “I realized I was fucked either way. If I’m going down as a traitor, I may as well own it.”

Remy chuckled. “Going down in style, I like it.” He busied himself wrapping gauze around Dion’s hand so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact when he added, “But… I’m glad you didn’t. Go down, I mean.”

They both looked awkward for a moment. Their friendship did not generally involve cheesy, emotional things like admitting they didn’t want each other to die. Finally, Dion said, “Yes, me too, I really prefer having all my body parts attached to each other,” and the mood was lightened again.

Roman ran to his supervisor as soon as he realized what was happening, pleading with them to let him go down and help, and under the circumstances they couldn’t refuse. He materialized in the living room next to Virgil, who was still sobbing over Patton.

“Okay, let me take over for a minute,” he requested, trying to keep his own voice steady.

“N-no-”

“You can’t help him if you don’t calm down, Virge, take a step back, there you go.” Roman gave him a light push towards Thomas, who seemed to know what he was doing in terms of helping Virgil breathe normally again. “Okay, now- Patton…” Roman’s eyes filled with tears as he looked Patton over, but he wiped them away roughly and shook himself. He wouldn’t be any help to anyone if he started breaking down too, least of all their dear, darling Patton. He cleared his throat. “Okay. Here goes…”

Roman had to admit, healing wasn’t one of his strongest points, but he did his best. He rested his hands lightly over Patton’s chest and focused, and they began to glow, albeit weakly. By the time Virgil and Thomas returned to his side, he’d managed to knit up one of the larger gashes in Patton’s side.

“Is- he’s gonna be okay, right?” Thomas asked quietly. “I mean- I know you said you could heal him, but- this looks pretty bad…”

“He will.” Virgil’s voice still shook, but his tone left no room for argument or doubt. “…It’s going to take a while, but he’ll be okay.” After one more reassuring squeeze of Thomas’s hand, he joined Roman in healing as much as they could.

Remy brought Dion back in once he’d patched him up. They brought the collected medical supplies with them. Dion had mentioned that there would be a limit to what Virgil and Roman could do before they ran out of energy, so a lot of Patton’s injuries would have to be taken care of the human way. Dion wished he could help, but he was afraid of hurting the poor angel even more if Patton’s body turned out to be fundamentally incompatible with Dion’s demonic power. Instead he just sat beside him while the others worked, refusing to let go of his hand, and assisted with bandages once it came down to that.

It had been the middle of the night when Dion called Logan, and now it was nearly evening, and it wasn’t as if he’d been sleeping much since he started his angsty road trip. By the time Patton was deemed stable enough to be moved somewhere more comfortable, he was ready to curl up and sleep right here on the floor- which, now that he thought about it, was probably what would be happening. With Patton here, someone else would end up sleeping on the couch, so they would probably just find some extra blankets for him and let him stay where he was.

“Hey, don’t pass out on us yet.” Virgil nudged him with his foot when he closed his eyes. “We still need to get Patton in bed, then you can _ both _ sleep as long as you want.”

He pushed himself to his feet again and followed as Virgil scooped Patton up and carried him to his own room. 

“I can sleep on the couch, I just want him to wake up somewhere at least _ kinda _ familiar,” Virgil told the others.

“Aw, I don’t want you sleeping on the couch,” Thomas protested. “You live here just as much as Remy and I do.”

“Yeah, but Patton’s _ my _ best friend, so…”

“Yeah, exactly! You’ve been the most worried, you need a good night’s sleep. I know you want him in your room- I know, what if _ you _ stay in _ my _ room and _ I _ sleep on the couch?”

“I’m not taking _ your _ room, that’s even _ more _ inconvenient for everyone. And it will be easier to protect everyone if I’m closer to the door, anyway. And _ I don’t even technically need to sleep, _ Sanders.”

“Well-”

“Oh my god, will you both shut up,” Remy groaned. “Argue about it _ later. _ When I’m not here to have to listen to you.”

They stopped, looking at each other sheepishly. “Okay, but I’m right and he knows it,” muttered Virgil.

Patton chose this moment to finally stir. Everyone froze when he shifted in Virgil’s arms with a small noise- hopefully the arguing hadn’t woken him up. He blinked up at them slowly with bleary eyes, and didn’t seem to entirely know where he was.

“Hey, Pat,” Virgil whispered. “How do you feel?”

“…Bad,” he answered in a small, hoarse voice. “Hur’s.” He didn’t seem to be entirely _ there- _ still partially asleep, maybe.

Virgil blinked back tears. “I know, buddy, I’m sorry. You’ll feel better in the morning, I promise. I’m taking you to my room so you can rest- you just go back to sleep, okay?”

Patton shook his head once and whined, although his eyes had already closed again and his words were getting more and more slurred. “Where’s Di? I need- need Di, where…”

Dion rushed from the back of the group to his side, stumbling slightly in his haste. “Here, I’m here, Pat.” He took Patton’s hand carefully and gave him his best reassuring smile. “Sleep, darling, you’re safe.”

Patton returned the barest hint of a smile and a tiny squeeze of his hand. “Good,” he mumbled. “Don’ leave.” 

They were in Virgil’s room by this time, and Patton was laid on the bed and tucked in, but Dion didn’t let go of his hand the entire time. He looked at Virgil pleadingly. “I have to stay with him- I promised, when I found him, I wouldn’t leave him again, I can’t let him wake up alone.”

Virgil smiled- it was the softest look Dion had ever gotten from him. “I guess you’d better stay in here with him, then, huh?”

Dion smiled back gratefully as the others left the room and closed the door behind them. With the curtains shut, even if it wasn’t quite nighttime, Virgil’s room was perfectly dark and cool. Dion yawned as he kicked his shoes off, then climbed into bed with Patton. It was so peaceful… he hadn’t felt this calm in ages, and he meant that literally. So much was still uncertain- what he was going to do now that all his bridges were thoroughly burned, what he even _ was _ now if the light from earlier meant anything, whether they would have to face more danger before this was all over- but he had Patton, and he’d _ chosen _ Patton, for good, and therefore all was right with the world.

Patton whimpered in his sleep. Nightmares? That wouldn’t do. Dion reached out and wrapped an arm around him, gently pulling him closer. “Shh, Patton, it’s okay.” Whether Patton actually woke up or merely responded instinctively wasn’t clear, but either way, his hands latched onto Dion’s shirt and he buried his face in his chest. Dion stroked his hair with his free hand, and soon enough, Patton was sleeping peacefully again. Heaven knew he deserved it- literally, by now, assuming Roman had explained the full story upon returning. Dion drifted off soon after, still holding his angel close.


	15. Questions and Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step seven: ????

When Virgil woke up the next morning- well, sat up on the couch, anyway; he hadn’t managed much actual sleep, given recent events- the first thing he did was contact Roman again. There were a _ lot _ of things he wanted explained now that he wasn’t so tired and overwhelmed. Fortunately, Roman had done his best to get answers.

“Wait, they _ knew _ Dion was gonna do that? Including all the dumb shit he did beforehand?”

“Apparently.”

“So they _ planned _ on letting Patton get tortured for-”

“No! No, it’s not like that- I mean, they _ did _ expect Dion to be a lot _ quicker _ about it, they didn’t plan for him to be there as long as he was.”

“Still.” Virgil glared at an innocent throw pillow. “I don’t like that they planned for him to be there at _ all.” _ He shook his head angrily. “Okay, keep going.”

“Well… you know how I just said all the ‘dumb shit’ was also part of the plan?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, this was the important thing your human Thomas was supposed to be involved in.”

Virgil felt like the floor beneath him had just vanished. He hadn’t even considered that possibility. “I… does… does that mean my assignment here is over?” he managed.

Roman winced. “Not just yet- they want you to stay there with Patton until he’s well enough to come home. But after that… yes, I’m afraid so.”

He thought for a moment. “Fuck that.”

“…I’m sorry?”

“Tell them I said no,” Virgil reiterated. “I’m not going anywhere else until _ these _ humans die. Because first of all, this is kind of a special case- they know we exist now, so leaving them without any kind of supervision would just be stupid, even if they’re not supposed to do any more super-important things. And second of all, they’re my friends, and if I get sent off to some complete other part of the world, I probably won’t see them again in their lifetimes, and that _ sucks. _ So, yeah, tell them to find a loophole for me or something, because I’m pretty sure they owe me one after all this anyway.”

He blinked. He hadn’t expected Virgil’s argument to be so well thought-out, given how it had started. “I’ll… tell them you said that.”

“Good.”

“So, uh… the rest of what I was going to say…”

“Oh yeah, right. Go ahead.”

“Dion’s an angel now, I think? Or… will be? They made it sound like a process. I hope there isn’t going to be some sort of… disturbing halfway stage, like-”

“Shut up, don’t suggest that,” Virgil cut him off, covering his ears.

Roman laughed. “If you insist. In any case, you’re all to stay where you are until that process is complete and Patton is fully healed- he’ll have a say in what happens next, of course, whether he wants to come home or remain on Earth.”

_ “Good.” _ If anyone had tried to order Patton around after all that had happened to him, Virgil would’ve had some choice words for them.

“And that’s all the news I have for you, but- speaking of Patton… How is he?” Roman had hated to leave last night, but it had been necessary to report back about what had happened and take care of some other duties before morning.

“He’s… I mean, still really hurt, but he’s sleeping.” He glanced in the direction of his bedroom fondly. “With Dion.”

“Aww,” Roman sighed, pressing a hand to his heart. “You know, I wasn’t certain about him at first, but now I absolutely ship it.”

“…How do you know what that means? Do you even have internet up there?”

“No, I do not, and none of your business.”

“…Okay then.” He looked over his shoulder again, and gave in to the urge to make sure everything was still okay. “Well, I should probably… go check on them… talk to you later?”

“Of course. Give Patton my best wishes for his recovery.” Roman smiled and was gone.

When Virgil pushed open the door to his room, he was tempted to just leave again rather than risk waking the two currently sleeping in his bed. Patton and Dion were curled around each other, just as they had been last night, when Virgil had checked in on them before going to bed himself. Unlike before, however, Dion was faintly glowing- this would be that process Roman mentioned, he supposed. He didn’t look any different aside from having become a nightlight, but that was probably because he was still disguised as a human.

In any case, Virgil cared less about that than about seeing how Patton was doing. He appeared to be sleeping well with Dion holding him- Virgil hated to admit it, but he might have been wrong about how bad of an idea it was to trust him. He stepped back into the hall and closed the door again, leaving them to sleep for as long as they needed.

* * *

Patton woke up. The first thing he was aware of, before understanding that he was safe in Virgil’s room or even registering that he was in less pain than before, was Dion’s presence next to him. He had no memory of waking up previously; that brief, vague consciousness had barely counted as being awake, really. The last thing he remembered was Dion telling him he could finally rest. Now, he was in bed, and it was dark, and there didn’t seem to be any danger. When looking around only informed him that the room, like most rooms, had walls and a ceiling, he tried to sit up and figure out where exactly he was.

He didn’t get far. As soon as he tried to move more than his head, his body protested fiercely, and he fell back against the bed with a pained sound. The next thing he knew, once his vision cleared, Dion was awake and fussing over him.

“Oh, Patton- don’t try to move, you’re still badly injured. What do you need? I can get it for you, or… make someone else get it for you.”

Patton blinked at him. “…Where are we?”

He softened, relaxing into the pillows himself as he explained. “We’re in Virgil’s room. I- This is where I ran to when… everything happened… so I brought you here as well once I found you.”

“Oh, good,” he sighed. “I was afraid you wouldn’t have anywhere safe to go. Did it take you very long to find me? I don’t… don’t really know how long it’s been.”

Dion drew back at that, wincing, only to return to Patton’s side a second later when the angel looked upset at losing the closeness. “It was… about three weeks. …I knew where you probably were the whole time, but- I was scared,” he admitted very quietly. “I didn’t think I’d get anywhere alone, anyway.”

“Oh…”

What did that tone mean? Was Patton angry? It didn’t seem like it, since he was still cuddled up against him and showed no signs of moving soon, but maybe that was only because he couldn’t go to anyone else for comfort right now. Dion wrapped his arms around him carefully and ducked his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay!” Patton said hurriedly, although it very much wasn’t. With considerable effort, he extracted an arm from the blankets and patted Dion’s cheek. “I mean… I’m not upset with you. I know that must have been hard.”

It was truly unfair of him to be this understanding. The glow returned, startling Patton a bit, and Dion began to tear up. “No, I- I was so selfish- I was going to just _ leave _ you there until- until I started feeling too guilty about it, why are you being so _ nice?” _

“Oh, honey, shh- you came back for me, that’s what matters. I’ll accept your apology, but I’m not going to be mad at you when you still ended up… well, _ saving _ me.” Patton’s hand fell back to the bed as he gave a tired, but reassuring smile.

“You’re still exhausted,” Dion realized. “Sorry, this isn’t a good time for this, is it? You should be resting.” He wiped his eyes and tugged the blankets into place again, since they’d been disrupted by Patton trying to sit up.

“I’ve got questions,” he protested, even as his eyes shut involuntarily. “Wanna know what happened.”

“Ask them later, I’ll still be here. Sleep now.”

Patton was going to argue further, but he didn’t stay awake long enough to say anything else.

The next time Patton woke up, the curtains had been opened and the room was drenched in sunlight. It almost felt like a normal morning. Nonetheless, he gave a nervous glance to the window- what if the wrong person saw inside somehow?- before a touch from Dion brought his attention back where it belonged.

“Good morning,” said Dion as he brushed Patton’s hair out of his eyes.

“You can’t fool me,” Patton mumbled, “it’s the middle of the afternoon.”

He smiled. “You caught me. How do you feel? Better than before?”

“Mhm. Less tired.” Although, to be honest, he was still quite tired, and definitely not leaving bed any time soon.

“Wonderful.” Dion helped him sit up against the pillows. “Now… You wanted to know how we got here?”

Patton nodded. “I remember you started glowing and knocked out the- the guard, and then you picked me up and I passed out. Don’t remember anything between then and now.”

“I see. Well, like you say, I was glowing- do you have any idea _ why, _ by the way? Because I don’t. I assume it had something to do with your people; it certainly wasn’t mine.”

Patton beamed at him. “It means you’re good now.”

He blinked. “I- what? Just like that?”

“Not quite,” Virgil clarified, startling both of them. They hadn’t heard him opening the door to check on them. “I talked to Roman about it earlier, since he’s been reporting back on what happened and asking questions. It’s more of a process, according to him, but… yeah, the light means you’re coming over to our side.”

“Oh.” Dion considered being affronted that no one had consulted him about that, but decided it probably wasn’t worth it. He would have agreed if they _ had _ asked, after all, it was just the principle of the thing that bothered him.

“Anyway, sorry, did I interrupt something? I only came in to leave some water in case you guys needed it when you woke up.” He tossed a couple of water bottles onto the bed next to them.

“Not really, I was just filling Patton in on what happened while he was out.”

“You should stay!” Patton exclaimed after taking a drink. “Y’know, to help. Since you talked to Roman about stuff.” And because it would make him feel safer- having Dion there was a good start, but Patton knew he wouldn’t be very useful if they were somehow taken by surprise, being tucked up in bed with him and all.

Virgil smiled. “Yeah, sure.” He was quietly relieved to be asked. It hadn’t been easy leaving Patton alone this long, although he knew he needed to rest without people hovering over him. “Either of you want anything else before I make myself comfortable?”

Patton shook his head, and Dion confirmed, “I think we’re good.”

He nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed, beside Patton. “Okay, where were you before I came in?”

“Di was telling me how he got us out…” Patton curled up a little and rested his head on the former demon’s shoulder. It wasn’t making him feel good, remembering the… situation… he’d been in before Dion showed up, but he wanted to know what happened and he _ definitely _ didn’t want to put it off too long and end up falling asleep in the middle of the story.

“Right. So.” Dion cleared his throat. “You passed out, and I knew we only had so long before someone realized you were gone and sounded the alarm, so I decided there was no time for stealth and just sort of… started running.” He shrugged, slightly embarrassed to admit his lack of a plan. “Obviously we were recognized by the first person who saw us, and then we were being chased by nearly all the forces of Hell, and… I don’t know. I honestly don’t even know how we made it out of there. I know the light helped, but I barely remember anything other than running and trying to keep them away from you.” He shook his head. “But we made it outside the gates somehow, and I made a portal to bring us here.”

“You got hurt,” Patton realized. His fingers brushed over a bandage on Dion’s arm.

He almost laughed- such concern over a few scratches, coming from someone in Patton’s condition? “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“He’ll be fine, and so will you,” Virgil assured Patton. “Why don’t you both get some more rest now? I can tell you what Roman said later.”

“Mm,” Patton agreed vaguely, already failing to stay awake. “Hope you told him hi from me.”

He smiled fondly and patted his friend’s head. “How about this, we can call him again when you’re more awake and you can say hi to him yourself.”

“M’kay.” He scooted further down the bed so he wouldn’t be propped up on the pillows anymore, pulling Dion with him, and closed his eyes. As far as Virgil could tell, it only took him a second to fall into a deep sleep.


	16. Logan

It didn’t take long to complete the process of filling Patton in, once he woke up again. He was relieved to hear that Virgil would be sticking around, at least until he and Dion decided what to do next- or longer, pending an official response to the message he’d sent via Roman, of course- and even more relieved to hear they had a _ choice _ about what to do next. Part of him had been afraid he’d be expected to go back to work as soon as his injuries healed, and while he’d have argued against that, he much preferred not needing to. Especially when he was still rather on edge and paranoid, flinching anytime someone entered the room without warning.

Virgil was helping with that. He stood guard in the room with them more often than not- _ his _ room, Patton remembered, with a twinge of guilt over taking it over for so long- and Roman was on metaphorical speed dial in case of emergency. Most importantly, they’d set about warding the house as soon as they could. Now, nothing demonic could come near the place, whether by magic or with the regular human method of walking. (There was a loophole in place for Dion, of course, on the basis that he was now at least _ partly _ an angel.) Patton didn’t listen very well to the explanation of how _ exactly _ it all worked, so he wasn’t sure. The important thing to know was that the wards would keep demons away, and they were all safe- there was no need to worry about anyone coming after himself or Dion.

Of course, with thoughts as certain as those, Patton was practically asking for a bit of dramatic irony to prove him wrong. In fact, it only took about a week.

* * *

It was a peaceful morning. Patton woke up warm and cozy in a veritable nest of blankets- he’d started making incessant bird puns after piling enough around him on the bed, especially before his wings healed enough to be put away, and no one had the heart to make him stop. And Dion was there, of course, to help him sit up and ask if he wanted to go have breakfast, or maybe just sleep in some more- he’d healed enough to walk by then, if not much further than across the house. He was just about to respond when everything went wrong.

There was a noise from the living room which they both recognized as a portal opening, and not one of Roman’s. Dion inhaled sharply. Patton acted on the only instinct able to push through his sudden, frozen panic and latched on, burying his face in Dion’s chest, as if the demons outside wouldn’t be real as long as he didn’t look.

He felt Dion scoop him up and set him down in the corner next to the bed, as far from the door as possible and (hopefully) hidden from view. “Stay quiet,” he muttered, as if Patton would even be capable of speaking right now if he wanted to. He just nodded and kept clinging to Dion’s shirt while he tried to reassure him, pretending he wasn’t shaking with fear and adrenaline himself.

There were noises outside- a crash, Virgil’s shout, a burst of fighting. It didn’t last long. What were the odds that Virgil had won that quickly, alone, against however many of _ them? _ Everything went quiet, and they heard footsteps approaching the door from across the living room.

“Don’t let them take me again,” Patton choked out in a whisper. “Please. I- I can’t…”

“I won’t,” Dion whispered back. “They’ll have to kill me first. Stay down,” he added hurriedly as the doorknob began to turn. He stood, facing the door, hoping he looked intimidating rather than terrified. He couldn’t have been more surprised when it opened- well, he _ could _ have, but it would have taken some work.

“Logan? What the hell are _ you _ doing here?”

He didn’t relax just yet. For all he knew, Logan might have betrayed him, assuming it was really Logan at all and not someone else wearing his appearance to get Dion’s guard down. They stared at each other across the room for a few seconds.

“I, ah…” Logan held up a weapon, which was not the most diplomatic way he could’ve started to explain his presence. He quickly lowered it again. “Apologies, that probably seemed threatening.”

“You think?”

Logan went ahead and set it down on the floor, just to be safe, before adjusting the glasses he had never actually needed. “This is going to take some explanation, but don’t worry, everything has been resolved safely.”

Dion waved a hand to tell him to keep talking, still watching him warily, but slowly relaxing. Another demon might have been able to look like Logan, but they could never imitate the way he spoke well enough to fool him.

“First of all, do you remember a certain… unpleasant prison guard you ran into while retrieving your friend there?”

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Dion’s little rescue mission had left quite a few demons very angry, and even as Patton had been thinking contentedly about the safety of the wards around the house just a few days ago, they were searching for a way through them. And, as he could see by the fact that Logan was here, they’d found it.

The guard who’d failed to prevent Patton’s escape was, naturally, high on the list of those who wanted revenge. Physical damage aside, the whole thing had been a serious blow to her ego- and to add insult to injury, she’d had to request a new uniform, since there was no known method of washing out the still-glowing stains left by heavenly light. She’d considered throwing the tainted clothes out, or maybe even burning them- it wasn’t like it would be hard to find fire around here- but instead decided to keep them around as a reminder of what Dion had done to her, just in case her vengeance-related motivation ever flagged. This turned out to be a very good decision.

After several days of scouts trying and failing to break through the wards, it had been determined that there was really no way for any demon to get into the house… unless they could pass for something not entirely demonic. And as it turned out, the uniform Dion had unintentionally infused with _ angelic _ energy would do exactly that. The guard, Asfen, agreed to lend the pieces of clothing in question- in exchange for being put in charge of the recapture mission, to the displeasure of pretty much everyone else involved.

The most displeased of all was Logan. He’d been the one to find the loophole in the wards to begin with, _ and _ worked out how they could exploit it- he hadn’t _ wanted _ to volunteer that information, but someone else would have figured it out soon regardless, and at least this way he had some control. Because of that, he’d sort of been counting on leading the mission himself, what with being the most knowledgeable in the group and all. As a matter of fact, his plans to subtly sabotage the whole thing hinged on it.

But now here he was, taking orders from _ Asfen, _ who wouldn’t know the meaning of the word “subtle” if a dictionary opened to the proper page were to hit her in the face. One would think that would make things easier for him, but it was clear that the dislike he felt for her was mutual, and that she trusted him about as far as- well, as far as _ he _ could throw _ her, _ which was not at all. He was going to need to rethink his strategy if he wanted to not only sabotage the mission tomorrow, but also get away with it safely.

To cut a long story short, he simply didn’t have time to come up with anything. His original plan- the one that relied on being in charge- had taken multiple days to work out, and involved several complicated diagrams, and it was _ really hard _ to make diagrams in Hell without all his paper bursting into flames. When the morning came and it was time to pick up a weapon, strap on a glowing helmet that didn’t fit and help his team break into a house, he still had nothing.

Well, nothing except the mostly-decorative mace in his hand, which looked more like it should be in a glass case at a university than actually hitting anyone… and the only helmet all five demons had between them, since only Asfen customarily wore such things at all and she hadn’t got a new one yet.

So yes, okay, Logan’s new plan was to just hit everybody over the head as soon as the portal they came through was closed. But it worked, didn’t it? With a little help from Virgil, at least, who had come running with a glowing knife in each hand at the first sign of someone who shouldn’t have been there. Between the element of surprise on Logan’s side and backup from someone who could actually fight, they’d taken everyone else out easily. The more difficult part had been convincing Virgil he didn’t mean any harm. The angel was cleaning up now, and temporarily locking down the wards so _ nobody _ could enter or leave, but he was definitely keeping a close eye on the bedroom at the same time.

* * *

Over the course of Logan’s story, Patton had slowly emerged from behind the bed. Now, he was sitting on it- still hiding behind Dion a little, but that was mostly for comfort after the scary few minutes they’d both had, not because he felt threatened by Logan. “So, the- the others that came with you…?”

“If they have any sense, they’ll have abandoned their physical forms and returned to Hell. However, I’m not sure they _ do _ have any sense, so Virgil is finding a way to restrain them, just in case, until we’re ready to open another portal and throw them back.”

Patton nodded slowly. He didn’t like the idea of them still being in the house at all, no matter how well-contained they were, but he was sure Virgil would make things safe.

Dion wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly, and changed the subject. “What are your plans now, Logan?”

Logan hummed, sitting down across from them. “I’m… not certain, yet. I doubt I’ll be welcome in my current position anymore once word of what I just did gets out. Faking my death is always an option, I suppose…” He trailed off, seeming to forget anyone else was there as he mumbled to himself about what he would need to do to pull that off.

“You could stay with us,” Patton spoke up, startling him out of his contemplation. “Change sides like Dion is! I mean, you already left yours, right?” He beamed at Logan, hoping he’d go for it.

Dion perked up a little. If he were honest, he’d been trying not to get sad over the idea that he might never be able to talk to Logan again without putting him in danger. “You could,” he agreed.

“I don’t know…” Logan shifted slightly. “I wouldn’t consider myself particularly _ good. _ I don’t believe one betrayal of the forces of evil cancels out an immortal lifetime working for them.”

“Seems to have been enough for me,” Dion pointed out.

Logan sighed under his breath and fidgeted with his glasses again. “I will… consider it. Perhaps I can discuss the matter with Virgil.”

Patton cheered softly. Although he’d only just met Logan, he had already classed him mentally as a friend, and he would hate to lose a new friend so soon.


	17. Dealing with Demons

The only positive Virgil could find in the current situation was the fact that Thomas and Remy’s house had a basement. The concrete floor down there would at least be easy to clean the chalk from, once the symbols he was drawing all over the room had served their purpose of containing the currently unconscious demons. He’d already tied their hands with the first thing he could find, but he doubted a bit of glorified twine would be more than a momentary annoyance if they woke up with full access to their demonic powers. Which was what the symbols were for: they would not only prevent the demons from stepping over a line he’d drawn on the floor, but also make sure they were no more able to break free than a human would have been in the same situation. Well, a similar situation, anyway. There was nothing Virgil could do with a piece of sidewalk chalk to prevent humans from stepping over a line on the floor, except maybe write them a note detailing why they shouldn’t, assuming the humans in question were particularly law-abiding.

Okay, now he was just grabbing any line of thought he could get his hands on to distract himself from what had just happened. The demons may have been taken care of now, but it still felt like a failure on his part that they were able to get inside in the first place. He felt like he should have spotted the weakness in his and Roman’s wards.

Roman- right, he needed to get him down here. At the moment, it was impossible to so much as call him from inside the wards; Virgil had panicked, okay? He didn’t know what _ else _ might turn out to be exploitable, and he wasn’t about to risk more demons coming through if they figured out the first group had failed. But he couldn’t contact Roman without making an exception _ somewhere… _ He locked the basement door and then went back upstairs, where there was both more space and a much lower number of demons, and pulled up what amounted to a magic control panel. After a few minutes of staring on it, he fell onto the couch with a groan. If he changed any one of the glowing switches and dials in the air in front of him, how was he supposed to know it wouldn’t break _ everything? _

Someone coughed behind him, startling him enough to practically jump off the couch. He turned around to see Logan, holding his hands up placatingly.

“I did not intend to startle you. I simply wanted to speak with you about something, but you seem to be otherwise occupied at the moment.”

Virgil sat back down and scowled at the controls. “Yeah, that’s one way to put it. Took care of your friends, by the way, they’re downstairs.”

“They aren’t my friends,” Logan reminded him. “I betrayed them. You were there.”

He sighed. “I know. I was being sarcastic. Look, what did you want, exactly? I need to get back to, uh… staring at this and hating my life.”

Logan perked up. That is, he’d already been standing straight, but now it seemed intentional rather than just a matter of habit. “Is that a visual representation of how you’ve set up the wards around this house?”

“Yup. Otherwise known as the bane of my existence right now.”

“Why?”

Virgil gestured helplessly between himself, the controls, and everything in general. When this did not seem to actually accomplish anything, he took a deep breath and tried words instead. “So, I just kinda locked everything down, right, because I don’t want anybody _ else _ sneaking in, so we’re, like, completely cut off right now. But now I need to call my friend Roman and tell _ him _ what happened, and try to get him down here as backup just to be safe. Plus, we set up the wards together, so he can probably help me fix them so this won’t happen again. But obviously I can’t _ do _ that without trying to fix them _ myself _ first, right, at least enough so I can let him in without messing up anything else, and _ basically _ the problem is I don’t know what I’m doing!”

Logan got the feeling he’d only stopped talking because he had run out of air with which to do so, but he took it as his turn to speak anyway. “Do you think,” he asked cautiously, “that I could be permitted to help with that?”

Virgil gave him what could only be described as a capital-L Look and opened his mouth, about to tell him there was absolutely no chance of that. Then he looked at the control panel again, thought about having to do everything alone, and sighed heavily. “Fine… but you’re not touching _ anything, _ just giving me advice. I’m not having you… I dunno, pull some kind of double-betrayal shit on me and dismantle everything.”

He nodded. Deliberately clasping his hands behind his back so Virgil could see he wasn’t going to touch, he walked up and began examining the way things were set up. “Now, let me see what you’ve done here…”

* * *

Somewhat over an hour later, Roman was summoned into the house, although a more appropriate word might have been _ dragged. _ Everyone was sitting in the living room by then, offering advice and/or unhelpful commentary, and there was a general cheer when Logan and Virgil finally succeeded. Roman, not entirely sure what was going on, stumbled into the middle of everything and took a small bow.

After brushing nonexistent dirt from his clothing and looking around, he… still wasn’t really sure what was happening. “Psst,” he stage-whispered, “Virgil. What’s going on and who’s that guy?”

Virgil looked at him, looked at Logan, and sighed tiredly for about the thousandth time that day. “Okay, uh… this is gonna take a while to explain, just… try not to interrupt me until I’m done?”

Needless to say, the idea that Roman would or physically _ could _ refrain from interrupting was pure wishful thinking on Virgil’s part. Still, he got through the story of that morning eventually, despite everyone else who’d been present apparently feeling the need to add their input, and even one person who _ hadn’t _\- Remy, obviously, who had still been in bed at the time but wasn’t about to let that stop him. When everything was told, and appropriate exclamations given in response, Roman took a moment to look over the changes made to the wards in order to bring him there.

“Oh, that is so clever,” he mused, running his fingers lightly over a certain section. “I never would’ve thought to- Virgil, did you do this?”

“I mean… physically, yeah. All his idea, though.” He pointed to Logan, who was trying not to preen too blatantly and failing.

“It was fairly simple, really,” said the latter, “this sort of thing is… a particular specialty of mine.” He was nearly glowing the more Roman looked at his work approvingly. Genuine praise was not a thing commonly found in Hell, and Logan was experiencing it for almost the first time right now.

Roman grinned at him before getting distracted by the wards again. “You’d better be helping us fix up everything _ else _ in here next… Pity you aren’t on our side, really, I’d love to work with you more.”

“About that,” Dion drawled, earning a vaguely disapproving look from Patton for not letting Logan bring it up himself. It wasn’t very effective, since Patton was halfway to sitting in his lap at the moment, but it was the thought that counted, or something.

Logan adjusted his glasses nervously. “Ah. Right.” He cleared his throat. “Er… Virgil, you remember I said I wanted to talk to you about something, before we… did all this?”

Virgil nodded, looking slightly sheepish about having brushed him off up until now. “Right. What were you gonna say?”

“Well, I had intended to ask… whatever it is Dion is doing, to become one of you… would it be possible for me to do that as well?”

“…Really?” This was not what Virgil had expected, insofar as he’d expected anything at all. _ “Why? _ Wait, that sounded ruder than it was supposed to. It’s just… if you’re only asking because you want our protection or something, I don’t think that’s gonna work. We can’t just make it happen whenever we want, or I assume everybody would be making each other switch sides left and right.”

“It only works if you really mean it,” Roman confirmed. “But, on the other hand, if you _ do _ really mean it… if you’re ready to, you know, renounce your former colleagues and all that…”

“I am.” Logan nodded seriously before cracking a smile. “I hardly think they’d take me back anyway, after my, ah… recent actions, here.”

Roman and Virgil looked at each other for a brief, suspenseful moment, and then Virgil gave a small nod.

“In that case,” said Roman, smiling back, “I don’t see why not. It won’t be easy to make the transition, you must know, but it would be my pleasure to help you get there.” He bowed for the second time in the twenty minutes since Logan had met him, and Logan, just for a moment, was surrounded in the faintest of white lights.

* * *

Between the three of them, plus attempts at helping from Patton and Dion with varying levels of success, it didn’t take long at all before the wards around the house had been fixed up and improved. No more loopholes, just very specific exceptions for Dion and Logan to move in and out, and even _ more _ specific exceptions to make sure no one could somehow sneak in with them. Not only that, it would now be possible to return the demons in the basement to where they’d come from without any risk of someone coming through from the other direction. While Roman pulled Logan aside to discuss what he should do next, Virgil had the somewhat less pleasant task of dealing with _ that _ whole situation.

After sitting on the couch for a few minutes, hoping that if he waited long enough the problem would go away on its own, he stood and ran his hands through his hair. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

It wasn’t that it was going to be particularly difficult. All he really needed to do was draw some more symbols and banish the demons. The problem was, if said demons were _ awake _ by now, he was going to have to deal with whatever unpleasantness they could come up with to shout at him the whole time he was working. The basement as a whole was soundproofed from the rest of the house, but once he went down, there wasn’t much he could do to shut them up- he couldn’t cut his side off from theirs entirely, or he wouldn’t be able to open the portal in the right place. So, all he could really do was get it over with as fast as possible.

“Hey- Virgil, wait.”

Just as he was about to walk away, he turned around to see Patton tugging lightly on his shirt from the couch to get his attention.

“You’re going to deal with… them, right?” He jerked his head in the direction of the basement stairs.

“Yeah, why?”

Patton swallowed nervously and lifted his chin. “I want to go down with you.”

Virgil exchanged an uncertain look with Dion. “Are you sure? I mean, why do you wanna… do that?” It seemed like he couldn’t even bring himself to refer to the demons directly, why would he want to _ see _ them?

“I just…” He shrugged, looking away. “I want to… see that they’re really gone, I guess, and not have to worry about you being down there alone. And… I don’t know, I just don’t wanna be afraid to even think about them forever, and I thought if I saw them now they might be less scary.”

He nodded slowly. It made sense that Patton would want some kind of closure, after the ordeal he’d suffered through, to help it fully sink in that all that was over now. They’d quickly figured out who the leader of the little group was, and no one could fault him for wanting to make sure _ she _ was really gone. “Okay,” he finally said. “But be careful, and tell me if you don’t want to be there anymore, okay? It won’t hurt anything if you leave halfway through.”

Patton agreed, smiling faintly.

* * *

They made their way down the basement stairs carefully, Patton leaning on Virgil’s arm. He’d recovered considerably already, especially with Virgil and Roman helping to heal him, but he was still fairly shaky on his feet. Dion helped most of the time, but he’d elected to stay upstairs, right outside the door to the basement so he’d be there if anything went wrong. According to him, he’d spent enough time around other demons to last him the rest of his existence, thank you very much.

Virgil had been hoping they’d still be unconscious, but he hadn’t really expected anything other than what they _ actually _ saw when they got down there. All four of them were awake now, and mostly looked bored, just waiting to be sent home so everyone involved could get on with their lives. Asfen, though- she was furious about the whole situation, and did _ not _ miss Patton trailing slightly behind Virgil, no matter how hard they tried to make him inconspicuous.

“What, are you here to taunt us now?” She pushed up against the invisible barrier confining her to the other half of the room, glaring at him. “Coward,” she spat. “You wouldn’t be so calm without all this magic shit, and your little _ friend _ there. You’d be fucking _ helpless _ on your own. I’d tear you into little pieces, just like last time.”

Patton tried to focus on anything else, to not let himself be dragged back into painful memories. It didn’t quite work. Virgil gave him a look, asking with his eyes if Patton was sure he didn’t want to go back upstairs, but he shook his head minutely. He needed to see this done. He made his way to a wall he could lean against, and Virgil got started, working as fast as he could while still being accurate.

It was not a pleasant wait. Asfen didn’t get tired of shouting insults no matter how much he attempted to tune her out, and the other demons joined in after a few minutes purely because they had nothing better to do. They were making a game of it, trying to see who could be the first to make Patton cry, or at least react in some way stronger than a wince. He didn’t want to let them succeed- not because he cared much what _ they _ thought of him, but he knew that if he got too upset, Virgil would try to insist he leave, or Dion would hear from upstairs and come down to help, and then they’d start taunting _ him _ and… no, that wouldn’t end well at all. Patton turned away, looking blankly at the opposite wall, and continued ignoring the shouts implying that he wouldn’t face them or respond because he knew they were right.

Virgil shot Patton various concerned glances as he worked, receiving a watery smile in response each time. When he was almost done- only one more symbol left to draw- he crossed the room and pressed the chalk into Patton’s hand.

“Wanna do the honors?”

Patton took it with a grateful smile. Virgil wasn’t sure how much of it was directed at him, and how much was for the simple fact that it was about to be over. He stood with his arms crossed in front of Patton as he crouched down to write the last symbol on the floor, subtly blocking him from sight. The demons had something to say about that, too, of course- his little angel friend protecting him _ again, _ and this time he wasn’t even in danger, just being a baby when they were only saying the truth!- but Patton only looked unimpressed. It was clear that they were trying to get in as much as they could while they had the chance, which meant their insults had taken a steep decline in quality.

Drawing the final symbol didn’t immediately banish the demons; the actual last step was the activation of the ritual. Patton sat back, legs crossed, with the activation point in front of him. He looked up and smiled, as if he hadn’t just been about to cry, then cleared his throat.

“Now, you’ve all been saying some pretty hurtful things, and I just want to let you know… I don’t have to be scared of you, and I’m not _ going _ to be scared of you, and at least I _ have _ friends, which I bet is more than any of you can say. Honestly, I feel bad for you.”

“We don’t want your _ pity _ or your _ forgiveness, _ idiot, just banish us already,” one of them growled.

“Forgiveness?” Patton tilted his head, smile going a bit sharp. “I don’t remember saying anything about that. You tried to hurt me and my friends, and you’re not even sorry, and I’m not _ forgiving _ any of you. I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t care what you think of me. Bye! Don’t come back.” He pushed energy into the point where his hand was resting, and a portal appeared to swallow the demons before vanishing as quickly as it came.

Patton exhaled and gradually slumped over, burying his face in his hands as his facade faded away. “I- I’m tired, Virge.”

Virgil knelt down next to him and wrapped an arm around him, his thumb tracing soothing circles on Patton’s shoulder. “I know. You did great, that was really brave of you. Ready to go back upstairs and rest now?”

“…Yeah.”

Before he could make any move to stand up on his own, Virgil slipped his other arm under Patton’s knees and _ lifted _ him, prompting a startled laugh. It didn’t seem to be very difficult for him, so Patton didn’t protest as Virgil carried him up the stairs and set him back down on the couch. Dion was already hovering while pretending he wasn’t, trying to make sure Patton wasn’t too upset.

“I’m okay,” Patton assured both him and Virgil. “Really.” It didn’t stop them from watching him carefully as they sat on either side of him, but they did seem to relax somewhat, so he figured that was good enough. With one last reassuring squeeze of Dion’s hand, he closed his eyes and leaned back to rest, feeling just a little bit calmer than before.


	18. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step eight: _Profit._

Months later, Patton and Dion sat together on the couch in the living room of Patton’s house-  _ their _ house, now, which incidentally meant the inside of it looked even worse and more ridiculous than before- waiting for everyone else to arrive so they could celebrate the official confirmation of both Dion and Logan being accepted as newly redeemed angels. It had only made sense to move in together when Dion was essentially shadowing Patton on the job now, getting used to doing good deeds instead of evil ones. It made even more sense given that his  _ first _ good deed had needed to be returning his shop and apartment to their previous owner- who was fine; his memories had been altered to believe he’d taken a long vacation and left Dion, some vague acquaintance of his, to take care of things. He’d gotten a scolding from Patton for nearly letting the poor man think he now owed him a favor.

“Oh, do you think we’ve got enough—”

“Sit down, Pat.” Dion tugged on his shirt, which didn’t physically prevent him from getting up and running into the kitchen yet again, but would have made him feel a bit bad if he hadn’t listened. “Honestly, even if we run out of something, we and most of our guests are capable of producing more out of thin air. What are you so worried about?”

Patton fidgeted, settling back on the couch and leaning into him. “I just don’t want to look like a bad host, if we’re not prepared enough.” All morning, it had been painfully clear how long it had been since he last hosted a party of any description. The length of time was best measured in decades. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t had  _ guests _ over, of course, but not… well, it was just that calling it a party created more pressure, somehow.

“No one is going to think that, I promise. If anything does go wrong, I’ll let them blame me.” He smiled teasingly. The last time  _ Dion _ had hosted a party, he’d made it his mission to personally ensure none of the guests had a good time. Many of them had enjoyed themselves, to be sure, but absolutely nothing had taken place that could be described as  _ good. _

“You’re right,” Patton sighed. “I don’t know why I’m even worrying about it.”

“Because you’re tired of waiting for our friends to get here?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s why.” He laughed and did his best to calm down a little, resting his head on Dion’s shoulder in order to see the book he was reading. It was some kind of philosophy thing Patton couldn’t understand just from reading it. Humans really did come up with the most complicated ideas sometimes. He would ask about it later, after the party ended, and Dion would confuse him even more before properly explaining. For now, he didn’t mind not being sure what exactly he was looking at- it was more the closeness of reading over his shoulder that he was going for, anyway.

Honestly, he was just happy to be able to relax in his own home again. It had taken a while. For a few weeks after deciding he was healed enough to come home, he hadn’t been able to sleep, and although he didn’t strictly  _ need _ to it was still a bad sign. But they’d set up wards here, making it just as safe as Thomas and Remy’s house, and with some help from Dion, Patton eventually managed to get through to himself that what had happened before couldn’t happen again. Now he only got nervous when he went out- but then, Dion was with him any time he left the house, and now that they were both back to full strength, they wouldn’t be taken by surprise again.

Dion scoffed at something in his book with which he presumably disagreed. Patton’s gaze shifted from the page to his face, and he felt overtaken by a hopeless amount of fondness for the not-technically-a-man next to him. Then, movement outside the window caught his eye, and he kissed Dion’s cheek quickly before jumping up to run and open the door, exclaiming “They’re here!” as if it weren’t obvious.

The first guests to arrive were, unsurprisingly, Roman and Logan, who didn’t have to worry about being slowed down by things like traffic. Patton was quick to greet them both with a hug- Roman returned it enthusiastically and all but swept him off his feet, while Logan accepted it with a resigned sort of expression, having gotten used to this kind of treatment from Roman. No one had seen much of the two of them lately: Roman had been helping Logan adjust, and it had gone more smoothly than anyone had expected. As it turned out, the main difference between Logan’s old job and the one he had now was that Heaven was much better organized, and nobody intentionally annoyed him for entertainment other than, occasionally, Roman. His only regret was that he hadn’t thought to defect sooner.

“You can leave your shoes here, and there’s snacks and stuff in the kitchen- Di, put your book down and come say hi!”

Dion folded over the corner of the page to save his place- Patton kept knitting bookmarks for him so he would stop doing that, as that was still the  _ only _ thing Patton could knit after they’d finally made it to the class, and Dion kept trying to tell him they were too bulky to actually be any good- and joined everyone else by the door. After a bit of small talk, he disappeared again, this time to show Logan around the house… particularly the parts of it he could escape to if the extroverted angels became too much to handle.

Patton and Roman were talking more quietly by the time they returned, which was both relieving and suspicious. The two ex-demons couldn’t help wondering if they’d been talking about  _ them. _ It wasn’t as if they were likely to say anything bad, but it was the principle of the thing.

Fortunately, their theoretical embarrassment was quickly interrupted by the arrival of the other guests. Virgil, Thomas, and Remy all came in Thomas’s car, as he was the only one who could be trusted to drive.

“The party’s here, babes,” Remy shouted by way of announcing his arrival.

Roman naturally felt obligated to take offense. “Excuse  _ you,” _ he cried, gesturing to himself, “it’s been here this whole time.”

Remy looked him up and down. Angelic fashion, it seemed, did not quite line up with the human concept. “A kid’s Halloween party, maybe. Or, like, a D&D game, if that even counts.”

“How very dare you!” Roman gasped, as everyone else began tuning them both out. Logan and Virgil exchanged a long-suffering look over their heads. After a few minutes of the two attempting to out-dramatic each other, gradually increasing in volume and hardly noticing Patton and Thomas attempting to break them up, Dion decided enough was enough and dragged Remy into the kitchen by his arm.

“Hey,” he whined. “I was gonna kick his ass.”

“Not in  _ my _ house, you weren’t.” He shoved one of Patton’s cookies in Remy’s face, which succeeded in briefly shutting him up, although he still managed something muffled about the ass-kicking being metaphorical. “Besides, if you’re arguing with Roman to his face, we can’t talk about him behind his back.”

Remy swallowed quickly. “Oh, shit, you’re right, gurl- any news on him and Logan?”

He sighed. “The same as ever.” By this, he meant that they were still quite clearly attracted to each other, and still hadn’t said or done a thing about it. He was beginning to wonder if Logan even  _ realized, _ on his end. “They’re hopeless.”

“Seriously?” He groaned quietly. “At least if I’m  _ dead _ before they get together, I won’t be able to owe you or Virgil money.” The three of them had a bet going. Remy was beginning to think he’d been very optimistic.

“We’ll track down your soul,” Dion deadpanned. “It shouldn’t be too difficult to find the most annoying ghost in existence, but we might have a little trouble getting into Hell.”

Remy scoffed and threw a balled-up napkin at his face, which he had to admit was deserved.

It was at this moment that Patton walked in with everyone else trailing behind him, determined to be a good host and make sure no one was wanting for snacks, even if they all tried to tell him they were fine and did, in fact, know where the food was if they wanted it. “Um… is everything okay in here?”

“I’ve been wounded,” said Dion immediately, pressing a hand to his forehead as if about to faint. “I don’t know if I’ll make it, darling.”

Patton gasped, trying to suppress a smile. “Oh, no!” He took Dion’s face in his hands and kissed the spot Remy’s napkin had hit. “Better?”

He blushed and nodded. “…I’ll live.”

“Good.”

The party continued smoothly, with everyone making conversation, eating good food and, in a few of their cases, occasionally escaping somewhere quiet. Soon enough, Patton deemed it time for the real reason they were all here.

“Cake!” he cheered, bringing out a rectangular sheet cake that said  _ Congratulations! _ on it in swirly cursive letters. He had decided it best to leave out the exact  _ reason _ for the congratulations when talking to the young woman at the bakery. Dion was mostly just relieved he’d agreed to buy the cake at all instead of making it himself- Patton had many skills, but they did not include decorating cakes, or writing neatly at all, for that matter.

He was… much less relieved… when he noticed what  _ else _ Patton had. He and Logan had reluctantly accepted the presence of a banner with their names on it amid the other party decorations, but he had to protest any sort of attempt to make him wear a silly hat.

“Come on,” Patton wheedled, holding out the conical object of his distaste, “it’s traditional! Human thing! Please?”

The two actual humans did not say anything to contradict him, but Dion suspected they knew as well as he did that this wasn’t necessary and just wanted to see him suffer. Logan was no help at all; he thought  _ most _ human practices were absurd, this one not much more so than any other. And now Patton was making  _ that _ face, meaning he wasn’t getting out of this easily, and even if he did get his way he’d have to deal with him being sad about it afterwards.

“If you really insist,” he sighed. Patton beamed and fastened the stupid hat on his head.

“Now… uh… are we supposed to sing, or something?”

“That’s only for birthdays,” Thomas reminded him, finally taking pity. Both Dion and Logan shot him a grateful look, underlaid with the sentiment of “why couldn’t you have said something about the  _ rest _ of this?”

“Oh! Right!”

…He knew that, didn’t he? He knew that and just wanted to embarrass them further. For such a seemingly innocent angel, he was the  _ worst _ sometimes. Still, when he seemed so happy to get his way and make the two new angels the center of attention, it was hard to mind very much. And Dion had to admit he’d done a very good job with the party, whereas he himself would have been content with just cleaning up a little and acquiring some chips. (He and Patton also disagreed on how this should best be done, although by now Dion had at least graduated from outright theft to bringing them into existence from nothing- a more abstract, inflation-based form of wrongdoing, which Patton didn’t quite understand well enough to scold him for. He just didn’t see why they should have to go all the way to the store for something that barely even served its purpose as food.)

So, yes, he could suffer through the indignity of wearing a conical hat and having his friends say nice things about him, when everything else was taken into account. Today was  _ good; _ it may have been Patton’s optimism rubbing off on him, but he felt like tomorrow would be good, too, even with no party and the aforementioned angel dragging him along to pretend they had human jobs- at least Dion had convinced him to try ones that  _ weren’t _ quite so unpleasant. They would show up to work, wherever that might be this time- Dion was thinking they might go back to that animal shelter they saw the other day, if he could only convince Patton that it shouldn’t even be  _ possible _ for him to be allergic to cats- and he would struggle through another day of doing the complete opposite of what his instincts wanted, vis-à-vis good and evil, and Patton would do something very similar, vis-à-vis the fact that some inner part of him just wanted to stay home forever, where it was safe, while the rest wanted (and knew he  _ needed) _ to be out doing things and helping people.

It wasn’t exactly easy, but he was getting better, in all senses of the word. They both were. And as Dion tuned back in to the present, he decided that he had a very good feeling about the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end... although I have a few vague thoughts about additional one-shots in this universe, so if anyone is interested, maybe I'll write them? Either way, thanks for reading! <3


End file.
